Talk about tantrums. Wow. I'm so suprised. I honestly thought you knew me. Guess I was wrong.
You're entitled to your opinion. And I'm not going to stoop to bitching you out about it. So I guess this blogging thing is at an end.
And by the way...I don't believe I disrespected your husband at all in that last blog. It's funny because I'm usually his biggest defender.
Gert
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Pleasing??
Gert,
Are you kidding? I'm sorry but when was the last time you worried about pleasing any one but you? If you were worried about pleasing people you wouldn't be the person you are, or have raised your children the way you did. I admire and respect that about you. I also think you bring a lot of disapproval on yourself, so how can you be surprised when it comes. To be honest, I almost think you do things not in spite of others, but to spite others. Like you wanna be soo different from mom and dad that it plays a part in all your decisions.
Politely decline on family vacation? We talked about it and I thought we were going to tell them that your friend was coming and there were alternatives to staying together? Again I'm sorry, but this reeks of a tantrum! No we weren't happy about the idea. Why would we be? He isn't our family and this pretty much came out of the blue for us. It really seems to be a much bigger deal than it should be. All we had to do was talk to mom and dad again.
I'm angry because your not willing to bend at all. Not giving in about your friend, but explaining to our parents what you did to me. I have to think that they said they didn't want him to go and you got pissed and that's it. The end. Well, have a great time on your vacation. I love you guys and will really miss being with you. I have to say that my family doesn't stop with my children and my husband. It includes all of our other family.
P.S. My husband is not the best. But I'll bring up your own words,"Don"t throw stones in glass houses."
Love and disappointment in all our family, Hildi
Are you kidding? I'm sorry but when was the last time you worried about pleasing any one but you? If you were worried about pleasing people you wouldn't be the person you are, or have raised your children the way you did. I admire and respect that about you. I also think you bring a lot of disapproval on yourself, so how can you be surprised when it comes. To be honest, I almost think you do things not in spite of others, but to spite others. Like you wanna be soo different from mom and dad that it plays a part in all your decisions.
Politely decline on family vacation? We talked about it and I thought we were going to tell them that your friend was coming and there were alternatives to staying together? Again I'm sorry, but this reeks of a tantrum! No we weren't happy about the idea. Why would we be? He isn't our family and this pretty much came out of the blue for us. It really seems to be a much bigger deal than it should be. All we had to do was talk to mom and dad again.
I'm angry because your not willing to bend at all. Not giving in about your friend, but explaining to our parents what you did to me. I have to think that they said they didn't want him to go and you got pissed and that's it. The end. Well, have a great time on your vacation. I love you guys and will really miss being with you. I have to say that my family doesn't stop with my children and my husband. It includes all of our other family.
P.S. My husband is not the best. But I'll bring up your own words,"Don"t throw stones in glass houses."
Love and disappointment in all our family, Hildi
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
He did what???!
No way! Your husband ranted at you about your family? I've always been told that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. His family is no poster child for togetherness either. At least we were trying to plan a vacation for all of us...his just leaves you all in the dust. Thats crap. He should definately have your back. As you know, my husband is busier then a cranberry merchant at bogging time right now. I didn't get to tell him about my phone call with Dad last night because he didn't get in til midnight and I didn't want to bug him with it. He had a brief break today and could see that I had been crying. He never once trashed my family. He said he could see their point, and could understand your feelings, but that we were put in an awkward situation. And ultimately, the four of us together decided that we can't leave someone who is a part of our family to us behind. I'm sorry that we are forced to choose. But I can't abandon someone who's been abandoned too many times before. None of us felt right about cutting him out of the vacation. I'm sure that you don't understand, and I Know that mom & dad won't. But we made a commitment to someone and we can't back out of it. So, in compromise, we could look for two smaller condos in the same building and plan group outings. I mean, when you're at a show or shopping or whatever you're surrounded by strangers anyway.
And yes, I am still holding on to some past hurts...but they're recent ones not ones from childhood. And ones that are constant and ongoing. No, mom never used me as a punching bag but I don't think dad treated us both the same either. But we could swap incidents for days and it would get us nowhere. We are who we are because of those things, or maybe in spite of them. And yes, they are older now and life is sometimes to short. I didn't say I don't forgive them...I do. I'm sure that they have both real and imagined hurts of their own that play a part in our relationship. And that's all a matter of perspective.
I guess what I'm saying though is that in the long run...I have to do what feels right for me & my immediate family. It can't always be about pleasing someone else. And unfortunately, this time the right thing for us is at odds with everyone else's wishes. So the only thing we can do is politely decline to join the family on vacation this year. I'm sorry.
Gert♥
PS- Marriage has it's ups and downs but if it feels like your drowning...maybe you should start swimming for the shore.
And yes, I am still holding on to some past hurts...but they're recent ones not ones from childhood. And ones that are constant and ongoing. No, mom never used me as a punching bag but I don't think dad treated us both the same either. But we could swap incidents for days and it would get us nowhere. We are who we are because of those things, or maybe in spite of them. And yes, they are older now and life is sometimes to short. I didn't say I don't forgive them...I do. I'm sure that they have both real and imagined hurts of their own that play a part in our relationship. And that's all a matter of perspective.
I guess what I'm saying though is that in the long run...I have to do what feels right for me & my immediate family. It can't always be about pleasing someone else. And unfortunately, this time the right thing for us is at odds with everyone else's wishes. So the only thing we can do is politely decline to join the family on vacation this year. I'm sorry.
Gert♥
PS- Marriage has it's ups and downs but if it feels like your drowning...maybe you should start swimming for the shore.
Thanks
Gert,
Thank you for that. I truly don't think people put me in the middle on purpose for the most part. Today it seems to have overflowed from my neat little container, to drown me in it's flood. The final straw was my husband ranting at me about my family.
Of course my family isn't perfect. Who's is? We all have hidden pain and anger from our childhood. Feelings of inadequacy, that stem from past relationships. The fact that he has no tolerance or compassion, for me or my family makes me sick. The one person who is supposed to have my back is always in my face. He has never been my shoulder to cry on. His answers are direct and hurtful.
I shared grandma's situation with him and even told him of her fear of falling asleep. His response was to tell me about his grandpa and walk away. There is no room in our relationship for my feelings, concerns or family. He doesn't view visiting as something for me. He views it as a hard time for him. I don't know why I take his feelings into consideration when I schedule things. Maybe I just want it to be a certain way and can't see past that. My marriage is becoming a storm cloud, that rains on me more and more every time I get my hopes up. I can see the lightning and hear the thunder. I have no umbrella and I'm so afraid I'm going to wash away.
What is between you and our parents isn't any of my business. Except that it always seems to hinge on what I think or have to say. Obviously this is about more than a vacation, and who is invited. I once told mom that she either had to let her anger at dad go or quit the relationship. All it does is poison future feelings and memories. If she let it go and communicated with him going forward, then there might be a chance for a new beginning. If your going to stay angry at them for past transgressions then I don't think there is a fix.
I realize I don't have the same hurts you do, but some are similar. Some are not. I don't recall mom ever using you for a punching bag. I know she's called us both some very hurtful names. She has failed us in more ways than one. She is also a sixty-one year-old woman. I think her failures play a big part of her bitterness. I have chosen to let my past with them go. There were good times as well as bad, but in the long run it doesn't matter. Where you all go from today matters. They are our parents and like you said we can't choose our family. We can choose to make the best of it until it's over. Unfortunately, it's over to soon sometimes.
I love you too.
Hildi
Thank you for that. I truly don't think people put me in the middle on purpose for the most part. Today it seems to have overflowed from my neat little container, to drown me in it's flood. The final straw was my husband ranting at me about my family.
Of course my family isn't perfect. Who's is? We all have hidden pain and anger from our childhood. Feelings of inadequacy, that stem from past relationships. The fact that he has no tolerance or compassion, for me or my family makes me sick. The one person who is supposed to have my back is always in my face. He has never been my shoulder to cry on. His answers are direct and hurtful.
I shared grandma's situation with him and even told him of her fear of falling asleep. His response was to tell me about his grandpa and walk away. There is no room in our relationship for my feelings, concerns or family. He doesn't view visiting as something for me. He views it as a hard time for him. I don't know why I take his feelings into consideration when I schedule things. Maybe I just want it to be a certain way and can't see past that. My marriage is becoming a storm cloud, that rains on me more and more every time I get my hopes up. I can see the lightning and hear the thunder. I have no umbrella and I'm so afraid I'm going to wash away.
What is between you and our parents isn't any of my business. Except that it always seems to hinge on what I think or have to say. Obviously this is about more than a vacation, and who is invited. I once told mom that she either had to let her anger at dad go or quit the relationship. All it does is poison future feelings and memories. If she let it go and communicated with him going forward, then there might be a chance for a new beginning. If your going to stay angry at them for past transgressions then I don't think there is a fix.
I realize I don't have the same hurts you do, but some are similar. Some are not. I don't recall mom ever using you for a punching bag. I know she's called us both some very hurtful names. She has failed us in more ways than one. She is also a sixty-one year-old woman. I think her failures play a big part of her bitterness. I have chosen to let my past with them go. There were good times as well as bad, but in the long run it doesn't matter. Where you all go from today matters. They are our parents and like you said we can't choose our family. We can choose to make the best of it until it's over. Unfortunately, it's over to soon sometimes.
I love you too.
Hildi
Jobs...
Hildi,
Honey, anger and hard feelings have been a part of my relationship with mom & dad since I was born. Lol. It has nothing to do with my marriage, although in retrospect it was probably my first open act of defiance. All other rebellions were kept on the sly...mostly because of my inordinate fear of dissapointing them. The relationship has always been skewed and really it would be ridiculous to discuss it or try to appoint blame because that doesn't get anyone anywhere. I do apologize that you feel you're in the middle. You're not. My relationship with you is a completely seperate thing from my relationship with them. Except when it involves bitching about them or discussing our worries about them. I'm not ever asking you to mediate or be a go between. This is not your job. In fact it's better if you stay completely removed from our disagreements. That way you don't jeopardize your relationship with either party.
Your only job really is being a mother. You have to do what's best for your immediate family and stop worrying about everyone else. They matter most!!! It took me a long time (and some serious therapy) to finally figure that out. You can't smooth things over and make everyone happy all the time...you'll only stress yourself out trying. So concentrate on those who matter most...your husband and your girls.
And yes dear...we all feel lonely at certain times. So cultivate your female friendships...seriously they are the ones who get you through. Even if they can't offer a solution they can help you feel less alone. You can bitch about everything to them. And sometimes it's just the getting it out that helps. You can't pick your family, but you do pick your friends.
Right now I'm upset about alot of things. There are many many times I've let things go and bit my lip. I do not like to be hurtful...either purposefully or accidentally so I don't always say what I'm thinking or feeling. Unfortunately I find I've bottled up a buttload of hurt feelings and dissapointment. Yes, dissapointment. Ironic, isn't it? I spent so much of my life being afraid of and feeling like I dissapointed mom & dad that it was a shock to realize that I was dissapointed in them. All those feelings are beginning to leak out around the edges. So probably...things are coming to a head. And it will probably get nasty, not by my choice, but we both know that some people have no problems saying hurtful things and in retaliation I do sometimes lash back. I sincerely apologize for any overflow that comes your way.
I love you.
Gert♥
Honey, anger and hard feelings have been a part of my relationship with mom & dad since I was born. Lol. It has nothing to do with my marriage, although in retrospect it was probably my first open act of defiance. All other rebellions were kept on the sly...mostly because of my inordinate fear of dissapointing them. The relationship has always been skewed and really it would be ridiculous to discuss it or try to appoint blame because that doesn't get anyone anywhere. I do apologize that you feel you're in the middle. You're not. My relationship with you is a completely seperate thing from my relationship with them. Except when it involves bitching about them or discussing our worries about them. I'm not ever asking you to mediate or be a go between. This is not your job. In fact it's better if you stay completely removed from our disagreements. That way you don't jeopardize your relationship with either party.
Your only job really is being a mother. You have to do what's best for your immediate family and stop worrying about everyone else. They matter most!!! It took me a long time (and some serious therapy) to finally figure that out. You can't smooth things over and make everyone happy all the time...you'll only stress yourself out trying. So concentrate on those who matter most...your husband and your girls.
And yes dear...we all feel lonely at certain times. So cultivate your female friendships...seriously they are the ones who get you through. Even if they can't offer a solution they can help you feel less alone. You can bitch about everything to them. And sometimes it's just the getting it out that helps. You can't pick your family, but you do pick your friends.
Right now I'm upset about alot of things. There are many many times I've let things go and bit my lip. I do not like to be hurtful...either purposefully or accidentally so I don't always say what I'm thinking or feeling. Unfortunately I find I've bottled up a buttload of hurt feelings and dissapointment. Yes, dissapointment. Ironic, isn't it? I spent so much of my life being afraid of and feeling like I dissapointed mom & dad that it was a shock to realize that I was dissapointed in them. All those feelings are beginning to leak out around the edges. So probably...things are coming to a head. And it will probably get nasty, not by my choice, but we both know that some people have no problems saying hurtful things and in retaliation I do sometimes lash back. I sincerely apologize for any overflow that comes your way.
I love you.
Gert♥
lonely
I don't know if you ever feel lonely, but I do. I think I have spent the last decade being in the middle, and it is a lonely place to be. I really don't think I can do it any more.
I am always in the middle of my children and my husband. He doesn't have the patience, or understanding, because he is at work so much. When he is home it's a constant struggle to maintain a positive environment. Needless to say, I spend that time explaining feelings and calming situations. Probably just a mother's job.
I am usually in the middle of my big sis and my parents. Hard feelings and anger have been a part of their relationship since my sis got married it seems. I do the best I can to sooth both sides and find common ground. Probably just a sister's job.
I am in the middle of my husband's family. They want me to fit in and I try my best to achieve this, but I almost feel like I'm not being true to myself. My husband tends to make matters worse with his forgetfulness. My family being so far away plays a catalyst in my emotions. Probably just a wife's job.
I am in the middle of my few family members that live here, and my mother. There is a confusing reluctance to speak or see each other when they are in the same vicinity. I try to explain away these things to the other party as best I can and make suggestions. Probably just a relative's job.
There are probably tons of people out there that have these jobs. These people probably don't complain. Or if they do it's just a passing exasperation for them. Maybe these people have someone they can talk to about...well anything. I have a few friends and some family. Unfortunately they are the ones I need to talk about. I should be able to rely on my husband for...well... anything. Unfortunately that's not his job.
I am always in the middle of my children and my husband. He doesn't have the patience, or understanding, because he is at work so much. When he is home it's a constant struggle to maintain a positive environment. Needless to say, I spend that time explaining feelings and calming situations. Probably just a mother's job.
I am usually in the middle of my big sis and my parents. Hard feelings and anger have been a part of their relationship since my sis got married it seems. I do the best I can to sooth both sides and find common ground. Probably just a sister's job.
I am in the middle of my husband's family. They want me to fit in and I try my best to achieve this, but I almost feel like I'm not being true to myself. My husband tends to make matters worse with his forgetfulness. My family being so far away plays a catalyst in my emotions. Probably just a wife's job.
I am in the middle of my few family members that live here, and my mother. There is a confusing reluctance to speak or see each other when they are in the same vicinity. I try to explain away these things to the other party as best I can and make suggestions. Probably just a relative's job.
There are probably tons of people out there that have these jobs. These people probably don't complain. Or if they do it's just a passing exasperation for them. Maybe these people have someone they can talk to about...well anything. I have a few friends and some family. Unfortunately they are the ones I need to talk about. I should be able to rely on my husband for...well... anything. Unfortunately that's not his job.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Longer break for me...
Hildi,
Hey. So sorry about the silence! I have to say that I started the year with the very best of intentions and high hopes! I mean it was 2009 after all! I love the number 9. It's very lucky. This was going to be the year I got myself back together. I promised I would work hard and at least get one story published. This was the year I was going to lose weight and feel better. And I had another goal but it completely escapes me at this time. I'm pretty sure I didn't accomplish it though. But alas, the year has started out rough. As you know at least one member and mostly multiple members of my family have been sick since the year began. This has seriously eaten into my "me" time and ability to stick to a schedule. lol. Not to mention the stress level in our house always seems to be at def con 2.
At least after weeks of agony I got my diagnosis. And while a chronic painful condition was not in my "gee I hope I have that list" at least finally having a diagnosis (therefore confirming it's not all in my head and I'm not crazy) gives me treatment options and something to blame my exhaustion on! Being sick however, has not helped with my weight loss plans. Five pounds in 2 months does not strike me as progress. And it's mostly because I keep getting sick and therefore losing my appetite. And exercise? Ha! Does hauling myself from the couch to the bathroom count? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Well things came to a head in our house the other day and I called a family meeting with Larry, Lulu & Jethro. Actually I ended up talking (yelling) with Larry first and then Lulu & Jethro after he left for town. The talk went well. I think I made some progress with the kids at least. Larry is after all a man and therefore pretty much incapable of real change. But at least the other two seem to get it. And Jethro showed real progress yesterday. Let me illustrate the need for this talk of mine...last Thursday Jethro and I went to town to run errands. Our last stop at 4:30 at night was the grocery store. Once inside the store, I became ill and we made a quick trip instead of the super buy we needed. We grabbed some food and headed home. Once home, he & Larry carried in groceries. I put away cold stuff while they were doing this. I went to the pantry to put away the two bags of canned and boxed goods but couldn't get the light to come on. (damned fluorescent bulbs!) I set the bags down on top of the water, told Larry that I HAD to lay down and that the bags still needed to be put away when someone could get the light on. I ended up sick all weekend with pneumonia. Bill was in town so Lulu was pretty much gone most of the weekend. However Larry, Jethro & even Bubba were here all weekend. Fast forward to Tuesday morning. I walk into the pantry to grab a bottle of water (my first trip in there since Thursday night) and those two bags of groceries are still sitting there!!! I kid you not. Not only did nobody bother to put them on the shelves...they had eaten canned goods out of them! Ridiculous!!! These are grown and nearly grown men. I wanted to cry. But instead I yelled. Jiminy Christmas.
Thank god you have girls,
♥gert
Hey. So sorry about the silence! I have to say that I started the year with the very best of intentions and high hopes! I mean it was 2009 after all! I love the number 9. It's very lucky. This was going to be the year I got myself back together. I promised I would work hard and at least get one story published. This was the year I was going to lose weight and feel better. And I had another goal but it completely escapes me at this time. I'm pretty sure I didn't accomplish it though. But alas, the year has started out rough. As you know at least one member and mostly multiple members of my family have been sick since the year began. This has seriously eaten into my "me" time and ability to stick to a schedule. lol. Not to mention the stress level in our house always seems to be at def con 2.
At least after weeks of agony I got my diagnosis. And while a chronic painful condition was not in my "gee I hope I have that list" at least finally having a diagnosis (therefore confirming it's not all in my head and I'm not crazy) gives me treatment options and something to blame my exhaustion on! Being sick however, has not helped with my weight loss plans. Five pounds in 2 months does not strike me as progress. And it's mostly because I keep getting sick and therefore losing my appetite. And exercise? Ha! Does hauling myself from the couch to the bathroom count? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Well things came to a head in our house the other day and I called a family meeting with Larry, Lulu & Jethro. Actually I ended up talking (yelling) with Larry first and then Lulu & Jethro after he left for town. The talk went well. I think I made some progress with the kids at least. Larry is after all a man and therefore pretty much incapable of real change. But at least the other two seem to get it. And Jethro showed real progress yesterday. Let me illustrate the need for this talk of mine...last Thursday Jethro and I went to town to run errands. Our last stop at 4:30 at night was the grocery store. Once inside the store, I became ill and we made a quick trip instead of the super buy we needed. We grabbed some food and headed home. Once home, he & Larry carried in groceries. I put away cold stuff while they were doing this. I went to the pantry to put away the two bags of canned and boxed goods but couldn't get the light to come on. (damned fluorescent bulbs!) I set the bags down on top of the water, told Larry that I HAD to lay down and that the bags still needed to be put away when someone could get the light on. I ended up sick all weekend with pneumonia. Bill was in town so Lulu was pretty much gone most of the weekend. However Larry, Jethro & even Bubba were here all weekend. Fast forward to Tuesday morning. I walk into the pantry to grab a bottle of water (my first trip in there since Thursday night) and those two bags of groceries are still sitting there!!! I kid you not. Not only did nobody bother to put them on the shelves...they had eaten canned goods out of them! Ridiculous!!! These are grown and nearly grown men. I wanted to cry. But instead I yelled. Jiminy Christmas.
Thank god you have girls,
♥gert
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