Saturday, March 13, 2010

I need a vacation from my kids!

Even slaves get their own quarters! I need a place in this house of my own. Even the bathroom isn't safe. I really need some time for me. We had one of the worst weeks ever this last week. Spring fever? Cabin fever? Or mommy's a marshmallow and now I'm paying for it? I don't know. Whatever the reason my children decided to push the final button and blow-up the damn camel, straw and all. It culminated in them not picking up. They had an hour and a half and CHOSE not to. I went up-stairs to check and the next thing I know I'm by myself, red in the face and ranting like a lunatic. At some point Jerome came home and heard me up there yelling. He later admitted to thoughts of just slipping out the door before he was noticed. Needless to say there was a bigger mess then before and two little liars with their ears ringing. I have let them get away with soo much that now they don't listen at all. They are grounded from; computer, leapster 2, Dsi, x-box, and game-cube.
What really stinks in this whole mess is the fact that I thought my oldest and I had such a great relationship. (The little one is the baby and not to the same place yet.) We get along great, we talk about everything that goes on with her. She's helpful and trustworthy. Now it's like I have a stranger in my house. She's being so selfish I can hardly look at her. Today she actually told me that it's my fault and all I do is yell at her for the last few days. I do. And that sucks worse. I hate bitching at my kids. I hate taking things away from them. And I hate not feeling close anymore. What is a mom to do? I can't go back to how it was until she straitens up. Do they ever realize how much you do for them? Will she ever realize that she's the one punishing us both? The four-year-old doesn't have a clue as to why mommy and sissy aren't getting along and it's putting a strain on their relationship too.
Part of me wants to just start acting like everything is fine so we can go back to the way things were. The other part just wants to go somewhere and crack open a bottle of wine and have a lovely evening! Ok, now both parts are together and rooting for the wine.

Cheers and tears! Hildi.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

You can't quit silly, slaves have to be sold...

At least that's how I feel some times. As unappreciated and stuck as a slave. Oh not usually. Usually my family is pretty good. But there are some days when it feels like I'm plugging away here all on my own. The only member putting in any cohesive effort. Everyone else seems content to go on with things and let the pieces fall where they will. Simply because they know I'll come behind, sweep up the pieces and put them back in the puzzle where they belong. I didn't threaten to quit my job, but I did threaten to quit caring about the quality of my work.

I think part of it is the dreary time of year. Part of it is the vacation let down. Part of it is that this is the time of year my hubby has to start focusing on getting the camp ready for summer and he kind of checks out of the rest of his life. It's all work work work. Usually it's not a bother because I just focus more on the kids. This year the kids all have their own focus. With so much going on for them, they aren't even around to help out much. And yes, I do know that the house won't fall down if I get behind in the laundry or cleaning. I won't get the "worst mother" award if I don't cook every night or the beds aren't made. But it matters to me. And since the chronic illness showed up, there are some days it just ain't happening. This makes me cranky. Not having someone to pick up the slack makes me crankier.

Case in point for our recent strife...Larry had to go to Ranger Rendezvous last week. It's a three day conference/training for the rangers. They go over new camp standards, ask each other questions, attend some classes (Larry taught a welding one) and generally get each other pumped up for the coming summer. They are held in different areas and sometimes he's gone four days, sometimes two. This year he went to St. Joe, Missouri. They left Tuesday morning and got back Thursday evening. Thursday was the day that Lulu had her appointment in St. Louis so she and I hit the Galleria Mall after spending three hours at the doctors. Larry calls me at 6.

Larry: Where are you?

Me: St. Louis. Remember?

Larry: Yeah. I just thought you'd be home by now.

Me: Well it was a long day, we decided to hit the mall for some girly fun.

Larry: Oh. Well where's Jethro?

Me: It's Thursday night. He's at his CAP meeting. (Duh. Happens every Thursday night)

Larry: Oh.

Me: There's plenty of food for your dinner. I'll call you when we are on our way home. Love you. Bye.

Obviously he thought he should receive a huge welcome back. And was disappointed no one was home to greet him. Later he stated that I didn't even miss him. I told him sure I did, I had to make my own coffee in the morning! (I tease). In truth, really he wasn't even gone long enough to miss. Two nights and I was busy all three days. I'm not sure what he expected. Later we had this conversation~

Larry: Did you even miss me?

Me: Of course I did. You just weren't gone very long. And I was busy the whole time.

Larry: Well I didn't get much of a welcome home.

Me: Well I didn't get much of a good-bye. Remember how you called me after your meeting Monday night to tell me you had to go to C's house to go over that proposal when we both knew you were really going to have a couple of beers with the guys? The night before you left, when you might have wanted to spend time with your wife?

Larry: I did need to go over that proposal.

Me: Really? It couldn't have waited for this weekend?

Larry: I didn't think about it.

Me: Story of my life. You can't expect me to keep putting effort in when you don't.

That completely illustrates my point. Why does it seem like I'm the only one trying? I've put too many damn years in to quit this one, I'm seeing it through to those golden years. But really? Couldn't I at least get a spontaneous dinner out once in a while?

men, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em,

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Must be fairy dust?

I do not lie. Well, not about this one at least. We had no arguments. No fights. No hurt feelings. What the hell? I don't know about other married couples, but before we road trip or anyone comes to visit us, we make a deal not to fight. It's a little agreement I like to call the "Let's get along" pact. Usually it doesn't work. I mean come on. We're still us, only under traveling stress and cranky kid stress. Who wouldn't fight? This time those words were like magic. I think the road tragedy the first day actually helped. You know how some of us pull together when life dishes up something tragic. We even faced a bad directions crisis that first evening finding our hotel. We were a little short with each other during that, but when we were on the right road again all was forgotten and laughter was heard.
I would love to say it was because he wasn't whiny, or cranky, or demanding. I think that's true. However as it always takes two to argue I must have been even more perfect than usual. Ha ha! It had to be an effort on both our parts, but it didn't feel like it. It truly was a good time had by all. I always feel a little let down after company or vacations, but this time I think our getting along made coming home worse somehow. Seriously, we weren't back but a day when the nastiness began. We really have not been getting on very well this last week. Ok, before vacation we were having a lot of problems too. La de da! Life goes on. I have suggested counseling in the past and that was poo-pooed. I finally told him on Sunday morning before church( ok so I'm still a bitch sometimes) that I was done. I quit. Give me my last paycheck and hire a replacement, because I no work here no more.
I was really tired and pissed. He said he'd do anything to change my mind. Guess who's going to Ballroom Dancing lessons? Oh, I don't know if that's what it will be, but we will be doing something together to strengthen us. Because as serious as I was when I quit, I love that guy. He's the father of my babies and he loves me even when I'm at my worst.

Where's that damn fairy with the dust? Hildi.