Saturday, June 13, 2009

I'm sorry for all the things I said to you...

Baby I am soooo sorry about the "deep dark secret" thing. Honest to goddess it was NOT a threat. I would never ever tell that one. I did not mean it as a threat, but a friend pointed out that it came across that way to her as well. And I sincerely apologize to your husband as well because I did not mean to lash out at him. I do know that you torture yourself with it. I was feeling extremely betrayed by the fact that you would speak to mom and dad about what I saw as our fight without even consulting me first. It was like you were running to get them on your side without even giving me a chance to present my issues.

Yes we both said some things that were less then nice. It's not something I usually do. I usually try to go with "if you can't say something nice, keep your mouth shut" adage. And as I did not mean what I said as a threat, maybe you didn't mean your blog as an attack. Unfortunately it came across that way to me. And no, I don't really see you that way. And I would hope that you don't really see me as a self centered rebellious bitch who lives to piss people off. =] Like I told dad today...sometimes it just makes me very sad that there seem to be so many people who know me better then my own family. I'm not blaming you guys for that and I'm not taking the entire blame either, it's just the way it's come to pass. It doesn't mean I don't love you guys more then almost anything it just seems sad to me.

As I said to dad also...I'm not jealous most of the time that they have a better relationship with you. You lived with them longer and had more of your personality formed before you left home so naturally they know you better. I left home young and had a lot of life changing experiences after I was gone that have forged my personality. And we've never really spent enough time together for them to get to know some aspects. This last trip with mom was sooo good in that respect. I felt like it really gave us an opportunity to interact as adults and for her to see me in a different light. It also gave my children a chance to see her in a different element and really get to make some "fun" memories. Like the hour we spent in the car searching for the invisible restaurant.

I hope that we get a chance to talk this out and I hope that we can put it behind us and use it as a chance to grow. I missed you so much this week. I had some drama with my daughter and you were the first phone call I almost made. You have been more help on that front then you can possibly realize...not that you have any experience raising teenagers but her personality is so much more like yours that you always help me understand how she might be feeling and what she might respond to. I can only hope you find me as much help when yours are older. We have worked hard to get where we are in our relationship and I would hate for that to all go to waste.

I should not have called your blog "whiny" either. The whole point of this was for us to express stresses, concerns and exchange advice. I should have said that sometimes we back ourselves into corners with our efforts to help others and then feel put upon. I do the same thing. Hence my cooking for 13 men last weekend. And if I remember correctly...I did call you and whine about it. Haha.

In short, I'm sorry for everything. You're right...we all did put you in the middle which I know is a tough place to be. And you have worked very hard to make up for past mistakes and repair relationships and I'm really proud of you. And grateful.

Love you Hildi.


We are not very good sisters right now, huh? There was some very mean things said over the last few days. I know I am not blameless, so I will say," I'm sorry!" I am sorry if you felt attacked in the first place and so chose to snap back. It should never have been about anything but vacation and an agreement to disagree, perhaps.
I don't like hurting people purposely or accidentally either. Especially not family. As you may have gathered, all of my family is very important to me. Part of that is because I was not a very good daughter, sister, or aunt when I was in my late-teens and early-twenties. These are"my" issues. Maybe I go overboard with trying to make things perfect and peaceful. I truly do feel sometimes that I'm put in the middle. Monday night I received phone calls from you and our parents telling me about the conversation you had. Both parties wanted me to agree with them.I did agree with mom and dad, but later saw your side of the situation. These are the times when I feel I am PUT there. Other than my plaintive blog, I usually don't mind. I am happy to help and feel helpful with my family. After all, I complain about parenthood occasionally. You know I wouldn't trade it for the world.
The only thing that really worries me is whether your last blog is the way you truly see me and my actions. I hope not. As I mentioned before, I have made a huge effort to achieve a positive outlook. Most of what I said is simply the way I look at life and my opinion. Dr.Phil, I'm not. By the way I like him. Not so much Oprah. If I give the impression I'm on a VERY high horse, it is just that I am fairly happy with my life and want others to be as well. It has taken me a long time to get here. Yes I still bitch about my marriage, and other aspects, but basically I'm happy. I feel I have a good, solid relationship with mom and dad. I know you don't always feel you do, so I have been trying to fix that as well. I won't anymore, because it seems I'm hurting you that way too.
I have to add that I was more hurt than I have been in a while when you mentioned my deep-dark-secret. It felt like a threat and the fact that my sister would go there was painful. I have said and done things in anger and hurt to people I love before, so I can't throw any stones. In the future I would appreciate it if you would forget I told you my secret. Know that it's something I punish myself for enough. Everyday. That is the one shot that hurt my husband as well.It is also not something I want to let ruin our new friendship or sisterhood. Let us agree that bitching at each other is always better in person. And try to move past this ugliness.

Hildi Von Beaverhausen, still here!

Thursday, June 11, 2009


You live a rich fantasy life. Not only do you not know me, I don't think you really know yourself either. You surely see yourself differently then others do. But that's just my "opinion". I wrote you a blog where I told you my real "opinions" but I deleted it. I don't like to say things that people might forgive, but will be unable to forget.

I'm not going to pepper this with my own oh-so-wise life observations as you did. But I will look for you on Oprah because surely your the next Dr. Phil. You see yourself as go between, I see you as a meddler. Stick to your business. You calling mom & dad to tell them I was declining vacation so that I wouldn't have to talk to them was the biggest case of "tattle-tale"ing I've ever seen. Again grow up. I can handle my own battles and I never once implied I wasn't speaking to mom & dad. But don't worry...I won't retaliate. I'm still keeping your deep dark secret just that- a secret.

Here's my last piece of need to take a good look at your life and a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you don't like what you see then stop playing at life and make some changes. And if you feel "lonely" as your little whiny blog suggested, maybe it's because that high horse your riding is towering above all of us your busy looking down on.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Slow down. Mudslinging and attacks? Again, why can't anyone express their OPINION without you turning it into a war or a political campaign? This is spinning out of control and I feel like you haven't let anything go! If we work this thing out? Rosy colored glasses? Tears on vacation?
First; I would like to say that I have no intention of apologizing. Honestly I don't even understand how my offer to talk to mom and dad about this is not good enough? That is where I thought we left this on Monday night.
Second; Do you honestly still operate under that big-sister assumption that I don't know what real life is? Then you must not know me at all either. My experiences are no less eye opening based on my age. I've done and seen things that you never will, and vice/versa. I have no glasses, rose colored or otherwise. I may look to the positive side of things and hope for the best, but that is something I've worked hard to achieve. I thought you agreed with me that negativity is a really annoying trait.
I guess that brings me to the tears on vacation. There's no crying on vacation! Why would there be. You told me you had let things go, so why would there be tears on the beach? I certainly didn't foresee any fighting to the point of tears. Of course we all wouldn't have agreed about everything, but no one ever does. Please stop viewing everyone as being against you or attacking.
And as for the grow up and little girl comments, Puh-lease! I may be small in stature but growing up is something that takes a lifetime to achieve. If you think your grown up now, then what will you think of yourself five or ten years down the road? We are constantly growing and learning. That, is how life is.

You were right earlier when you declined to continue this conversation. We are not getting anywhere and I think your anger is escalating. Obviously you see insults in me every sentence so I will stop now. Bottom line is, this is a bleak state of affairs and I feel saddened at what has been lost.

Grow up.

So you thought your last blog was you disagreeing with me? That's odd because I thought it was a personal attack and severe mudslinging. And lets get this do not know me at all. Partly my fault, partly yours. I thought we were finally getting closer too that's probably why that attack took me by complete suprise.

I have a truckload of nasty things I could say too but I have learned to fight more fairly then that. And the text where you implied I was being childish...really? Because I refuse to retaliate in like manner? Hmm...I don't think so.

Nothing about this is a slap at your precious mother and father. My life is not governed by seeking their approval or trying to punish them. I know that's probably hard for you to understand. Do I love them. Of course. But whether they like or dislike my actions isn't really important to me anymore. If I didn't want to go on vacation with you all I wouldn't have spent three entire days online searching for the perfect vacation condo. But I'm sure that was just for me, since everything I do is to please myself. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't feel the need to make up a bogus excuse...I'd come right out and say it. Compromise would be fine...I even suggested it in the blog if you want to reread it...instead of only focusing on the parts that suit you. But I'm going to tell you right now that you need to take off those rose colored glasses girl and look at things realistically. Mom & Dad rarely compromise. If Dad was hoping for a compromise he wouldn't have called me with his "dictator" voice and warned me from the start that this phone call was going to be "unpleasant". We're no brady bunch, and even if we do manage to get this together and go on vacation's not going to be all sunshine and smiles. It's going to be stressful, messy and more then likely there will be a few tears. Because that's how real life is. But in the end it's usually worth it.

So when you want to converse without the stone throwing and personal attacks...let me know.


not bitching

Case in point. You didn't like my opinion or my feelings, so now we're not even blogging anymore. There seems to be no room for disagreement with you. If you truly learned something I would hope it was that we can disagree and still find common ground.
While I know that not everything I said in my last blog was cheery, it was far from bitchy. I tried to see both sides and compromise. Heck, I even offered to be the one to take your side to mom and dad. I'm sorry if you didn't like my words, but I feel extremely let down by your decision to throw the whole idea away. I think your fooling yourself if you don't think it's a slap at our parents. Or is it that you just don't want to go with all of us anymore and have found the perfect excuse? Maybe I don't know you like I thought I did. That makes me sad, because I thought we were getting closer by the month. Finally moving past our own resentments and hard feelings.
I don't want that to change, but I don't know how to get past this when you just keep quitting things. {Vacation, Blogging} Truly a monster fit. I didn't mean you, when I made the reference to my husband not being the best and glass houses. That's why I put it in P.S. I was referring to my, less then stellar, performance in our early years together. Meaning that I have let him down before. I know you like him and ultimately he loves my family. He doesn't know how to handle it when I cry because I rarely do. Also, you have to admit that we are a very dysfunctional lot! At least in the last few days.

Hildregard Von Beverhausen, signing out.

Learning new things everyday...

Talk about tantrums. Wow. I'm so suprised. I honestly thought you knew me. Guess I was wrong.

You're entitled to your opinion. And I'm not going to stoop to bitching you out about it. So I guess this blogging thing is at an end.

And by the way...I don't believe I disrespected your husband at all in that last blog. It's funny because I'm usually his biggest defender.



Are you kidding? I'm sorry but when was the last time you worried about pleasing any one but you? If you were worried about pleasing people you wouldn't be the person you are, or have raised your children the way you did. I admire and respect that about you. I also think you bring a lot of disapproval on yourself, so how can you be surprised when it comes. To be honest, I almost think you do things not in spite of others, but to spite others. Like you wanna be soo different from mom and dad that it plays a part in all your decisions.
Politely decline on family vacation? We talked about it and I thought we were going to tell them that your friend was coming and there were alternatives to staying together? Again I'm sorry, but this reeks of a tantrum! No we weren't happy about the idea. Why would we be? He isn't our family and this pretty much came out of the blue for us. It really seems to be a much bigger deal than it should be. All we had to do was talk to mom and dad again.

I'm angry because your not willing to bend at all. Not giving in about your friend, but explaining to our parents what you did to me. I have to think that they said they didn't want him to go and you got pissed and that's it. The end. Well, have a great time on your vacation. I love you guys and will really miss being with you. I have to say that my family doesn't stop with my children and my husband. It includes all of our other family.

P.S. My husband is not the best. But I'll bring up your own words,"Don"t throw stones in glass houses."

Love and disappointment in all our family, Hildi

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

He did what???!

No way! Your husband ranted at you about your family? I've always been told that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. His family is no poster child for togetherness either. At least we were trying to plan a vacation for all of us...his just leaves you all in the dust. Thats crap. He should definately have your back. As you know, my husband is busier then a cranberry merchant at bogging time right now. I didn't get to tell him about my phone call with Dad last night because he didn't get in til midnight and I didn't want to bug him with it. He had a brief break today and could see that I had been crying. He never once trashed my family. He said he could see their point, and could understand your feelings, but that we were put in an awkward situation. And ultimately, the four of us together decided that we can't leave someone who is a part of our family to us behind. I'm sorry that we are forced to choose. But I can't abandon someone who's been abandoned too many times before. None of us felt right about cutting him out of the vacation. I'm sure that you don't understand, and I Know that mom & dad won't. But we made a commitment to someone and we can't back out of it. So, in compromise, we could look for two smaller condos in the same building and plan group outings. I mean, when you're at a show or shopping or whatever you're surrounded by strangers anyway.

And yes, I am still holding on to some past hurts...but they're recent ones not ones from childhood. And ones that are constant and ongoing. No, mom never used me as a punching bag but I don't think dad treated us both the same either. But we could swap incidents for days and it would get us nowhere. We are who we are because of those things, or maybe in spite of them. And yes, they are older now and life is sometimes to short. I didn't say I don't forgive them...I do. I'm sure that they have both real and imagined hurts of their own that play a part in our relationship. And that's all a matter of perspective.

I guess what I'm saying though is that in the long run...I have to do what feels right for me & my immediate family. It can't always be about pleasing someone else. And unfortunately, this time the right thing for us is at odds with everyone else's wishes. So the only thing we can do is politely decline to join the family on vacation this year. I'm sorry.


PS- Marriage has it's ups and downs but if it feels like your drowning...maybe you should start swimming for the shore.


Thank you for that. I truly don't think people put me in the middle on purpose for the most part. Today it seems to have overflowed from my neat little container, to drown me in it's flood. The final straw was my husband ranting at me about my family.
Of course my family isn't perfect. Who's is? We all have hidden pain and anger from our childhood. Feelings of inadequacy, that stem from past relationships. The fact that he has no tolerance or compassion, for me or my family makes me sick. The one person who is supposed to have my back is always in my face. He has never been my shoulder to cry on. His answers are direct and hurtful.
I shared grandma's situation with him and even told him of her fear of falling asleep. His response was to tell me about his grandpa and walk away. There is no room in our relationship for my feelings, concerns or family. He doesn't view visiting as something for me. He views it as a hard time for him. I don't know why I take his feelings into consideration when I schedule things. Maybe I just want it to be a certain way and can't see past that. My marriage is becoming a storm cloud, that rains on me more and more every time I get my hopes up. I can see the lightning and hear the thunder. I have no umbrella and I'm so afraid I'm going to wash away.
What is between you and our parents isn't any of my business. Except that it always seems to hinge on what I think or have to say. Obviously this is about more than a vacation, and who is invited. I once told mom that she either had to let her anger at dad go or quit the relationship. All it does is poison future feelings and memories. If she let it go and communicated with him going forward, then there might be a chance for a new beginning. If your going to stay angry at them for past transgressions then I don't think there is a fix.
I realize I don't have the same hurts you do, but some are similar. Some are not. I don't recall mom ever using you for a punching bag. I know she's called us both some very hurtful names. She has failed us in more ways than one. She is also a sixty-one year-old woman. I think her failures play a big part of her bitterness. I have chosen to let my past with them go. There were good times as well as bad, but in the long run it doesn't matter. Where you all go from today matters. They are our parents and like you said we can't choose our family. We can choose to make the best of it until it's over. Unfortunately, it's over to soon sometimes.

I love you too.



Honey, anger and hard feelings have been a part of my relationship with mom & dad since I was born. Lol. It has nothing to do with my marriage, although in retrospect it was probably my first open act of defiance. All other rebellions were kept on the sly...mostly because of my inordinate fear of dissapointing them. The relationship has always been skewed and really it would be ridiculous to discuss it or try to appoint blame because that doesn't get anyone anywhere. I do apologize that you feel you're in the middle. You're not. My relationship with you is a completely seperate thing from my relationship with them. Except when it involves bitching about them or discussing our worries about them. I'm not ever asking you to mediate or be a go between. This is not your job. In fact it's better if you stay completely removed from our disagreements. That way you don't jeopardize your relationship with either party.

Your only job really is being a mother. You have to do what's best for your immediate family and stop worrying about everyone else. They matter most!!! It took me a long time (and some serious therapy) to finally figure that out. You can't smooth things over and make everyone happy all the'll only stress yourself out trying. So concentrate on those who matter most...your husband and your girls.

And yes dear...we all feel lonely at certain times. So cultivate your female friendships...seriously they are the ones who get you through. Even if they can't offer a solution they can help you feel less alone. You can bitch about everything to them. And sometimes it's just the getting it out that helps. You can't pick your family, but you do pick your friends.

Right now I'm upset about alot of things. There are many many times I've let things go and bit my lip. I do not like to be hurtful...either purposefully or accidentally so I don't always say what I'm thinking or feeling. Unfortunately I find I've bottled up a buttload of hurt feelings and dissapointment. Yes, dissapointment. Ironic, isn't it? I spent so much of my life being afraid of and feeling like I dissapointed mom & dad that it was a shock to realize that I was dissapointed in them. All those feelings are beginning to leak out around the edges. So probably...things are coming to a head. And it will probably get nasty, not by my choice, but we both know that some people have no problems saying hurtful things and in retaliation I do sometimes lash back. I sincerely apologize for any overflow that comes your way.

I love you.



I don't know if you ever feel lonely, but I do. I think I have spent the last decade being in the middle, and it is a lonely place to be. I really don't think I can do it any more.
I am always in the middle of my children and my husband. He doesn't have the patience, or understanding, because he is at work so much. When he is home it's a constant struggle to maintain a positive environment. Needless to say, I spend that time explaining feelings and calming situations. Probably just a mother's job.
I am usually in the middle of my big sis and my parents. Hard feelings and anger have been a part of their relationship since my sis got married it seems. I do the best I can to sooth both sides and find common ground. Probably just a sister's job.
I am in the middle of my husband's family. They want me to fit in and I try my best to achieve this, but I almost feel like I'm not being true to myself. My husband tends to make matters worse with his forgetfulness. My family being so far away plays a catalyst in my emotions. Probably just a wife's job.
I am in the middle of my few family members that live here, and my mother. There is a confusing reluctance to speak or see each other when they are in the same vicinity. I try to explain away these things to the other party as best I can and make suggestions. Probably just a relative's job.
There are probably tons of people out there that have these jobs. These people probably don't complain. Or if they do it's just a passing exasperation for them. Maybe these people have someone they can talk to about...well anything. I have a few friends and some family. Unfortunately they are the ones I need to talk about. I should be able to rely on my husband for...well... anything. Unfortunately that's not his job.