Thursday, December 18, 2008

I feel you're pain!


You are always welcome to go out of turn! Especially when you need to vent. And you are right about Jerome. I was the recipient of some of his help just last evening. Granted it was only via phone but I was grateful to have his expertise to call on. That compassionate nature is part of why you love him. I know this well because as I'm sure you've noticed...Larry is exactly the same way. Anyone needs anything...he's your guy. And definately he has come to my rescue a time or two but it does have to be a true "situation" I find myself in. On an everyday basis...I may as well be a single mom. Don't you recall the conversation we had just monday (my birthday) after I wrote that glowing blog about him? HA! As I said that day (and reiterated for him today) if it's in the house it's my problem and he doesn't even notice. Why are they this way you ask? I have a couple theories...the first is that it's because we're more then competent. Yeah, I know...that sounds like a good thing. Not so my dear. We've been taking care of the kid stuff, house stuff, them for so long and so well...they forget that they are supposed to be a partner in all this. To support this theory I have comments from Larry..."But if we were all as good as you, you wouldn't be so special." Believe it or not, that was not sarcasm. He honestly means it. Or another favorite..."But you're so good at it!". It being taking care of everything! Gah! And honestly...I know I'm guilty of it too...we begin to take for granted our partner. I put Larry on hold for other things that I deem more important all the time...knowing he'll still be there when I get back to him. And then it leads to his..."well you never want to do anything with me anyway so I figured you wouldn't care" (petulant, huh?). So I don't know what the cure is, but it seems it's a vicious cycle. I guess maybe communicating your feelings is the only thing that helps. Let him know you're feeling neglected and misused. He may fuss back at you, but at least it will give him something to think about. I offer Larry & my text conversation from my bday:

Larry:I love u and im sorry i upset u what can i do to make your birthday better

Me: Stop being such an oafish lout. Stop using the front door (because the christmas tree blocks it and he was knocking ornaments off the tree!!!). Pay more attention to stuff. Be a partner not just one more kid for me to take care of!

Larry:That's alot for one day im sorry im trying.

Me: Well since i ask for that every year i won't hold my breath. Ok?

Larry:Did you want to do something together today us or the family

Me: Like what?

Larry: I don't know. Movie game cage fight?

Haha! The point is he's a big oafish lout but he doesn't always mean to be. And neither does Jerome. Meanwhile...I appreciate you! Sometimes it helps to know that at least someone does!

love & life,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Do I matter?


I know it's actually your turn to blog, but I need to vent. As you know my husband is the kind of guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He always rushes to help friends and family who ask for it. If your moving, you can count on him. Car trouble? Jerome is on his way. Phones, computers, anything electronic, and he's your guy. The man even helps my friends with anything they need it from him. And believe me some of them have asked a lot from us both. When he's done fixing the problem he smiles and waves and rides into the sunset on his trusty steed. Guess who's always left standing in the dark when the sun goes with him.

I honestly love him for the way he cares about people. And his readiness to help those that require his skills. I just don't know why I never receive his aid. Trust me I put the signal in the sky all the time! I have no doubt that he would save me from peril, but why should that be the only time. It's not even his help that I'm looking for the most. I'd just like to feel like I matter more then all the others. I don't need more money. I really don't need more material things. What I desperately want is to be important to him.

Tonight he told me he would be home at 5:20. Then he scheduled an appointment with a gentlemen for 5:30. Yes I know it's work and he's providing for us. Blah, blah, blah! He will be there tomorrow till 6:00. And guess what? Work isn't going anywhere for now. No difficulties on that front. Instead of calling to let me know, he texted me to complain about a friend of his father's. I of course said poop on the man, he doesn't deserve your help anyway. Then I got the, " Oh by the way....I'm not gonna make it!" No there was no special reason for him to come home at that time. Other than he told me he would.I want to matter enough to have him follow through with what he tells ME. Poop on you too Jerome. Fold your own damn laundry!

Love! Just not for me! Hildi

Monday, December 15, 2008

Oh, the gray hairs!


I must admit from the picture you sent me, your hair looks great! Isn't it always that much better when you get such a fabulous price to with it? I love a good deal. There is nothing better to make you feel sassy and confident, then getting your hair done. That's probably why most places charge so much. They know what it does for us. I tell ya a new hair-do and a pedicure can damn near make all your problems fade away. Ok, this time of year a facial or massage might be required.

I feel good about the finger foods for Christmas. It will be a very casual, easy evening. I think we will all have more time for talking and spending time together. Plus mom won't have to cook the entire day before. I'm still in shock that others agreed with me. Maybe that's just the baby-sister-chip on my shoulder talking! Just kidding! I think I shed that with the second child.

Are any of us where we wanted to be? In certain instances, yes. I too am ever so grateful for the time I get to spend with my children. While they are still children. I am slightly nervous and anticipatory about starting my career when I am thirty-four. But at the same time I think a lot of people in their mid to late thirties are restless in the careers they've chosen anyway. It will be like a second chapter to an already pretty great life. I'll be ready for something that is all mine. Maybe my children and I can get even closer, since the field I've chosen happens to be in skin and make-up! Boy am I glad I have two little ladies. I know that you will be published. It may not be until your forty-two, but it will be. And look at all the experience you've acquired by being a mom for so long. You really could write on any number of topics. For instance; Autism, parenting, cooking, budgeting, children's stories, and romance from all that we've read. Heck, real life country style could be good for you. Not every lady knows about that.

Did you say spirits? Are we staying the night? Just kidding. Maybe just a glass or twelve. Speaking of drinking my stress away. I have a baby shower for a teacher to plan for Friday. A house to clean before Tuesday of next week.(Not easy with a three-year-old stuck to my leg, saying she's lonely.) Presents for my family, his dad's side of family and his mom's side of family by Sunday. A dish from Chile due on Thursday, along with traditional costume. Gift exchange and book recovery for Wednesday night with friends. Oh yes, packing and laundry for four before we leave next week. Hahahahahh! I gotta go!

Love and polished toes& pampering! Hildi

Days of no small importance...

Happy Birthday to me! Boy do I feel old! Actually, not too much. I think next year being the big 4-0 will hit me way harder. I'm just really not where I wanted to be at this age in terms of accomplishments. I wanted to be a published author by now. I wanted to have been interviewed by Oprah. I wanted to own a big house. And I wanted to have ten kids. that last one is a little crazy. But I probably would have had more then just the three if Larry had been willing. And the others? Well I guess they could still happen but probably not by next year. But as I look back reflectively today...I'm okay with where I am. I'm thankful for the life I do have and wouldn't give up any of it to have the other things. And I guess that's what it's about the choices you make along the way. I gave up the career which was awesome but hectic with way too much travel to stay home with the kids. And sure some days I wish I was putting on a skirt and heels and heading off to my office where my secretary would have my coffee waiting...or waking up in the Hilton in Springfield, watching the people scurry to the capital and knowing I had some lobbying to do or lunch with a representative or senator. Okay...not the lobbying at the building so much...because those other lobbyists are mean! Anyway...some days I miss it...but the amount and quality of the time I got to spend with my kids over the years is worth way more to me. Especially as I see them growing up and getting ready to leave the nest. Time goes so quickly that I'm glad I got to store up plenty of memories. It was for sure worth it. And Larry? Well I'm a pretty lucky girl to have him too. Could have maybe traded up a time or too for a guy with money & a big house, but nobody could love me or his kids as much as he does. That's for sure. Besides, the big lout needs me. And not owning a house because one is provided by his job is okay. I love this house, I love living way out here in the country, and I love the land. I don't think I could ever live in town again. So it's all good!

I'm so proud of Patience for the last story you put on here...go girl! That is a valuable lesson to have learned at such a young age. And kudos to both of us for raising kids with big hearts and compassion. That's something else I'm thankful for! Plus I got my hair done on Friday morning...and I LOOOOVVVVEEE it. Makes me feel so much better. Then at the Xmas party Friday night, new people I met couldn't believe I was old enough to have teenagers. Go me. Take that gray hairs! I didn't tell them that I have this theory that chubby people have less wrinkles...therefore appearing younger....haha! get your wish. Dad backed you on it and so did Larry. Although, I had to promise Lulu and Jethro I'd still make them a turkey dinner sometime soon...we are not having a traditional Christmas dinner. I'm going with finger foods. I'm telling everyone to bring an appetizer and a desert. No big sit around the table and stuff yourself dinner. Just grazing as you go. Sound better? Any requests? I've been pouring over my cookbooks for days now deciding what to wow my company with. =] And you know what goes well with appetizers? That's right- cocktails! Woo-hoo!

love & finger foods & Christmas "spirits",

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Everything is better in heels!


Those aspirations appeared after the first child was born and I had to learn how to do everything. I have noticed that not only does my husband enjoy the heels, but I feel very girly wearing them. I also vacuum in new high heels so I can break them in. Boy do I look sexy in my own set of baggy pants, t-shirt, and spanking new heels. Pony tail? Only if my hair is long enough.

I am in full agreement on the gender of the holiday-dishes clean-up crew. No I do not like turkey, but as you know mom always makes a ham for me and the big eaters.( All the guys.) I really was thinking of you. Not to worry I shan't let it become a habit. Next year Christmas is at my house for everyone who can come. That means folks in my home state and yours. I have a little surprise for you and your ever traditional cohort mother. I will be having a TRADITIONAL Irish dinner. And that is all I have to say on the matter.

I must tell you about my oldest daughter's day. It started at seven-thirty this morning. I got her cleaned and ready to be picked up at eight-thirty by Grandma Ali. From our house they proceeded to an assisted living facility to sing carols, pass out stuffed animals and little gifts. She volunteered to stay for lunch so that she could pass out roles in the cafeteria. Not only did she treat everyone with respect and politeness, she also learned a valuable lesson. One woman kissed her on her forehead and said " Bless you". I received a full report from her Grandma when they returned and it was obvious that something special happened today. After her Grandma left we had a chat about today and she told me that it was a great time and she wants to go back. I was not surprised by her good behavior. Even though she can be a hand full at times, she has a big heart and understood going in that these people deserve our respect and caring. What surprised me, was that I offered a reward for her good behavior and selflessness, and she turned me down. She said," I don't need a reward for doing something good. I like it and that is enough of a reward." I can tell you that tears pooled in my eyes and I saw that shining halo above her head for a minute. Of course she'll still treat me like I'm stupid from time to time. And yes that smart ass attitude will get her in plenty of trouble. Laziness will still be a problem we face, but for that space in time I was reminded of the innocence they lose so quickly. I was also able to see that huge heart I know she has, and it was one of those moments that took my breath away.

The lesson she learned, you ask? That not everyone has a family and loved ones to take care of them. There are people out there that are alone and sick and need someone, anyone to show them a little kindness. Holidays are especially hard for the lonely souls that fill these places and even one smile can make such a difference. At least for a while. She learned simply, that she is blessed with youth, love and a safe place to call home. I hope that some of the lonely people out there find a little peace this holiday season.

Love and good wishes! HIldi

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What?! No christmas dinner?

Have you lost your tiny little mind? Of course I'm fine with dinner. No worries. You just don't like turkey and you're trying to ruin it for all of us. Actually the cooking doesn't bother me and mom brings half of dinner with her anyway. Plus I will call the various aunts and delegate. So no, cooking is not a problem. Cleaning up is handled by the men in my household and I have a dishwasher so it's not too big of an issue. And no dear heart, I won't make you do dishes. Lol. It's good for the menfolk to do them. It builds character. No it's more the cleaning and decorating and planning leading up to the big event that will wear me out. But not working retail (mmmk. not working) it should be easier this year. Unfortunately Lulu does work retail and will be trying to spend time with Bill so I won't have my right hand girl. Although...Bill is pretty handy to help out and Larry and Jethro can be bribed into service. No it will definitely all be fine.

Um. Well. Hmm. I do not ever remember you aspiring to be the quintessential fifties housewife. I don't remember you ever aspiring to being a housefrau at all. Weren't you the "I'm never getting married and having kids" girl? Pretty sure that was your mantra growing up. Maybe these latent aspirations rose to being after I moved away from home. Well I have honestly never achieved that level of success either. I can tidy a home, get an awesome meal on the table, and out Martha Stewart the best of them but you've lost your mind if you think I'm doing it in a skirt and heels! Hope you like my baggy pants and tshirts! I do however generally shower, fix my hair and put on makeup even to stay home. Unless I'm really feeling poorly. But that's more for me then him. I just feel better when I'm clean and pretty and I smell good. And a good glass of wine definitely helps me cook! But not so much with the cleaning...

Well I am off to bed. I accomplished very little today. After two busy days in town I was a little worn down. Spent most of the day writing. I think it counts as work since eventually I might make money. But my house doesn't look any better for it. So tomorrow I need to get in gear and do some real work. Fifties housewife style.

sweet dreams & tidy houses,


Drugs for you, drinks for me!

As you know I have always planned on becoming the quintessential fifties housewife. With the dress, hair and makeup done and the lovely heels on when my husband arrives home. Of course in my case the huge meals will fall a touch short of the expected, but I was still planning to have that drink( maybe five) in the kitchen while cooking. Now that I am in my thirties it is very unlikely I will ever see my dream realized. Oh cruel, cruel fate! I too have become to old to will my hangover symptoms away the next morning. My goals have been snatched away again by that nasty man(big surprise he's male) Father Time. Really though I believe I just need to build up a tolerance again and then I shall go for the gold. Tequila Gold!

I am ever so sorry to hear of your continuing hurts and lack of brain function. I wish you could see the doctor now instead of in February. Do you really think that your body will let you do Christmas? The meal alone will take a lot of effort. Not to mention the cleaning and dish washing that go with every large gathering. I still say we don't need all the traditional food. Mary and Joseph probably didn't even eat that night. Being together is truly all that matters and I would gladly eat cold sandwiches and chips if that's what there is. Plus I hate getting too full and cranky-tired! Oh! I get it! Your gonna make me do dishes aren't you? Sneaky, Gert. Real sneaky.

I must go, for I am tidying the house this day. I have most of the laundry done, if not yet put away. Just need to vacuum and do dishes! Jerome actually did most of the dishes last night after his birthday dinner. Crazy old guy. Thirty-seven is really upsetting him for some reason. I guess he isn't where he thought he'd be by now. Who is, I say. I certainly didn't think my uniform would be jammies and house shoes!

Love and jammies! Hildi

Falling over...drunk?!

Well I prefer vodka to wine if I'm going for intoxication...but the accompanying hangover just seems to get worse the older I get. Not to mention that after the first drink I begin to get sleepy unless I'm very involved in a game or dancing. So I think I'll just stick to the regular meds.

Speaking of being ill...geez, how is it that my body now betrays me in a thousand little ways every day? If it's not some weird ass pain that I've never felt before (and sincerely hope to never feel again) it's the cognitive stuff. Like monday...monday was just a bad sad day. I woke up feeling really crappy. My ankle was swollen to twice its normal size, my calf muscles on that side were bunched, I was soooo exhausted (even though I'd just had 8 hours of sleep), and I kept feeling like I was gonna pass out. Well, since there's no rest for the wicked or mommies, I got up got around, and headed in to town with Lulu. First we go to her orthopedic appointment to get her hip rechecked and of course I'm the one limping around like a loser. Then some lunch, then I drop her off at the college for her test and head to the library. Love the library. Find some books and a comfy chair. But by this time pain is radiating up from the ankle all the way to the hip. Dull ache. The other leg has sharp shooting pains every so often like someone is pinching a nerve at regular intervals. I just want to be at home on my couch in my jammies feeling sorry for myself! Pity party (table for one please)! And why must they keep it so flippin hot in the library??! Grrr. New legs begin to feel like I'm sitting to close to a campfire...literally like they are burning. So I haul my miserable carcass up, check out my books, shuffle to the elevator and eventually to my car. Get loaded in and realize I have no idea how to back out of my spot. I've forgotten which way to turn the wheel?! This is why they don't let me drive by myself very darned often. Thankfully I did eventually get it figured out, get Lulu, get home and get into those pjs! I hate this whatever it is and I hate days like that!

Funny story though...So Lulu says I have this certain face that I make when I think something is incredibly stupid. She says mostly I make it at Larry. And occasionally at her. Never at Jethro. (Huge surprise...that's boy genius we are talking about). Well she says she can't make it so I don't know what it looks like but I do know I think Larry does some "too dumb for words" things so she's probably right. So monday morning when I'm sitting on the bed, after having just exhausted myself by putting on socks, Jethro and Larry walk in. Larry sits down beside me and says "you don't look very good today." (Yeah...thanks for pointing that out jerkwad. Larry one, self esteem zero.) I told him I was extremely tired and that my ankle was killing me. Said ankle now resting on his leg, he says "wow. it's really swollen" and proceeds to pinch it!!! Yes, that's right...pinch my sore swollen ankle. WTF?!!! I yell "Hey!" quite loudly. He starts laughing and apologizing all at the same time, then falls over on the bed laughing. Well, I'm a little flippin angry at this point. When he says "you made the face". You think?! Omg. Some days...

love, betrayal & "the face",

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Ah, assisted living.


Let's think about this. Someone to clean and tidy your living space. Meds on hand when you want them. Card games and people to shoot the shit with. Plus a shuttle to take you where you want to go! Gracious me! Where do I sign up for that paradise? Of course I'll wait till my children are gone, but I'd like to book that place now. I suppose Jerome can come to if he behaves.
I definitely know what you mean about Larry. I too am curious as to how Jerome functions at work without me there. Although I have seen him in action and it was a sight to behold. He is assertive, knowledgeable, confidant and informative at work. What happens when they get home? Just kidding! He really is a wonderful man most of the time. He's a great best friend and a fantastic father. True, he is a little needy. However, much of that can be attributed to his childhood. It is nice sometimes to be needed so intently! I have never felt more completely loved by another man. At times he seems to read my mind and know exactly what I need. (Then he does something so idiotic I could scream!) That's why life is a pip. Yes I shall take him to my place of assisted living.
I think it might be better if you went ahead and forgot the asprin and just got drunk. Really, it thins your blood anyway and there you are stumbling around. It would be a lot more fun to actually enjoy it! Plus after a while you might not feel your legs. I know when I'm wasted I don't feel much of anything. With little children you can't do that often, but yours are grown. So stop being a quitter and chug that next bottle of wine you have. Gosh, some people just don't know how to self medicate. I love ya! (Don't do it without me!)

Love and assisted wine drinking! Hildi

Steps to independence...

It's true...each little step to independence is a step further away from us. And I don't think you're silly. I think it's nice that yours are far enough apart that you can savor those baby steps. Mine were so close together that each time one did something for themselves I was so happy to have one less thing to do I never realized what it meant in the long run. And of course if one could do it...the others felt they had to as well! But now that my "baby" is about to get his drivers license and has a job and a social life it is all too apparent that their journey to independence is way to close to the end for my comfort! And while on one hand, I'm looking forward to my relationship with my adult children...I miss my babies like you wouldn't believe. As a wise woman once said to me "Mother's hold their children's hands for a little while, their hearts forever." So I know that no matter where life takes them at least a part of me will always be there. And I don't care how old they are...they will always be my babies.

Speaking of that...even through all of this with Lulu and her thwarted engagement and all my fears of losing her to Peter, it was never really real to me. Does that make sense? I mean I was scared to death she was making a mistake and possibly ruining her life...but I never thought I'd lose her. I mean even if she'd moved in with him, she would have come home as often as she could and I knew she wanted our relationship to stay the same. But now that she's done with him and planning her road trip I feel much more like I'm losing her. Oh trust me...I could not be any more proud of her for her choice. I one hundred percent think she made the right decision! But it was almost an overnight maturity. She got in gear once the decision was made and signed up to take her GED and started planning her roadtrip. She chose to stay home all weekend instead of going out in order to study. She started planning for her future. And then there's Bill. The way she's handled the progression of their relationship from friends to something more has been way more mature then prior transitions. There was no jumping into anything. There's discussion and forethought and putting him first. It has amazed me. And then...there was dinner last week. Jethro and I met them out for dinner. We got to Applebee's first and got a table. And when I looked up at them walking torwards the table it was startling. They looked so good, so right together. And so in sync. I mean I've seen her out with dozens of guys. But this time was different. Call if foreshadowing, call it intuition if you will. I don't know what it was, but in that moment I could see it how it was going to be. Looking up, it seemed as if she was more his, then mine. And it scared me. Oh man, it put our changing relationship in serious perspective for me. But at the same time, it just seemed right.

Well, thank god I still have Larry. I am for certain he is never gonna grow up and leave me. Hahaha. As if. Somedays I wonder how he manages to do his job without me. And other days I wonder how I do anything without him. Like this morning when he massaged my poor aching stiff calf muscles. Or tonight when he took hold of my arm to keep me from wobbling over. I don't walk so well when my muscles are screaming. I probably look drunk to passers-by. Ah well, at least I won't be alone in my dotage. Although Jethro has assured me they've already booked me a spot at the assisted living facility!!! That boy's just so darn thoughtful. =]

love & leg cramps,

Some small things are huge!

Yesterday morning started off with a small step for Prudence, an a huge heartache for me. She can now reach my bathroom light-switch all by herself. She waltzed right in to my bathroom and flipped it on to brush her teeth. Good hell! Nobody even said a thing about it until I screamed and told her what a big girl she is. Then, when everyone had stopped staring at the crazy mommy in the room, I teared up like a ninny! That was my little baby that did that. My last little baby. Nooooooo! There are so many things they do on a daily bases that we don't even catch. And all of these things are signs of their ever-increasing independence and growth.
The issues you and your family have been going through with Lulu have completely opened my eyes to my own daughters non-stop rise to adulthood. It is progressing much to fast and I can't stop it. Poop! Of course you think I'm silly because they're so little right now. I know we have a way to go yet before they leave us, but these are the child years we'll never have again. The innocent expressions, complete trust, and unconditional love will be gone before we know it.
The positive is that I'm aware of it. I love and revel in every little step that is taken. I feel every hug and kiss all the more. I truly see my blessings and couldn't be more grateful for them. A wise woman once passed on an equally wise quote to me. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." I have come to understand and value all of those moments, no matter how small they seem to others. And I know that no matter how big they get, there will always be moments like that with my babies. Their accomplishments, big or little, never cease to take my breath away. Every once in a while just looking at them will.

Love, and all the aches and pains that go with it! Hildi

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Celebrate the small things...

Wow. I'm feeling you. I constantly feel that my family thinks I just do nothing all day. Can't remember what Larry said to me last night (while I was making his dinner no less) but it was designed to irritate I do remember that. And it worked like a charm. I calmly told him fine, I'd go visit you again for awhile and they could all fend for themselves since I was so unimportant. That changed his tune right quick! And please...they have to be mad at someone for their incompetence. Really, what man can do 15 things at once? None. Multitasking is not in their genetic makeup. That's a scientifically proven fact. And someone has to be to blame for the clutter and you don't seriously believe it was going to be him, do you? What man admits when he's wrong? And children? Even the best of them are at times ungrateful, demanding and downright insulting. Unfortunately mommyhood is a pretty thankless job. But if it's any vindication...some day they will be in the same situation and will finally see the light. I can't tell you how many times I've called our mother and said "I'm so sorry...I had no idea." Really, ask her, I've done it.

I need to get my decorations up, my gifts finished & wrapped. I have a sewing pile that just won't quit and about a ton of laundry that needs folded. And I can guarantee that nobody is going to say thank you when I'm done. HAHAHA. As if. But I'll feel good & accomplished & productive & exhausted. Life's like that. And if there's one thing I've learned in the last's cultivate your friendships because in hard times it's your girls that get you through. A husband who's your best friend is great...but he's also a husband and a man. He won't get mammograms, pms, or motherhood itself. They see things differently. He's also prone to breaking your heart in a million little ways without even realizing that he's done it. Such is the nature of the beast. But a good girlfriend knows exactly what to say when you need to hear it. She can tell by the sound of your voice what kind of day your having & what she can do to make it better. She will drop everything when you call because she knows you would do the same for her. Even when she can't solve your problems, just knowing you aren't alone is often enough. I count myself blessed to have good friends in my life. And sisters are like good friends to the tenth power! I wish Lulu had one. But at least she's got a cousin that's close.

I know you miss Irwin and he did grow like a weed. I think he's pretty much done growing now. He's pretty much the same height as me and filled out. He's way stronger then I am though. lol. Christmas should be good. Wish you guys could stay overnight so we could visit longer. We do have the room for it. And I do love family photos too! Jethro and I were fussing some because he hates having his picture taken at all & I was trying to get ones of each of the kids by themselves. So there was some fighting there. Other then that everyone got along well. There was alot of laughing because trying to get Irwin to look at the camera, let alone smile at it, is something of a trick. Then we all laughed at Lulu as she set the timer and tried to hurry to her place in the pic. She's not the most coordinated person on the planet!

Well girl, I love you. Hope your day, week, month gets better. Try to celebrate the small when they are all asleep. =]

life, love & hopeless men,

A victory none the less!

I'm very happy to hear that there was no showdown!That was one sticky situation.I can imagine how hard it is for her to be strong in the face of extreme manipulation.I sure don't envy her the heartache and loneliness that will find her in quiet moments throughout the days ahead!But I still have to say "WHOOO_HOOO!" Good for you, Lulu.I am soo proud of her.That was quite the grown-up decision to make and it shows the maturity we all knew she possessed.It will be a long road to healing.Travel and independence are the perfect way to erase the bad and refresh your soul.Of course she's welcome here for some refreshment any time!
I can't wait till I can see Irwin too!It seems like my visits with him are all too infrequent.I have often planned to see him on the trips to mom and dad's, however it seldom works out.It feels like it's very busy whenever I'm home.Christmas will be a lovely time for us all to spend time together and enjoy a little holiday cheer.Irwin always seems like he's grown when I get to see him.It rather makes me feel old!I love family photos!Nobody would ever guess we've been fighting right up to the flash, and directly after.Hahahaha!Maybe that's just my family.
My morning has been spent arguing with the ever jovial Jerome.Why is it I can do fifteen different things that need to be done and never once complain,but when he has something he's been putting off for a while and it's time to do it he has to piss and moan?I put up all the Christmas decorations by myself, the day after Thanksgiving.I even put up both trees, which is usually his job.Today I asked if he would just put the lights on one tree.( The other is pre-lit)Oh man, it was the biggest production of self pity and whining since I straitened Patience's hair.I seriously wanted to slap the petulant look from his face!Next he decides finally to clean out the garage so we can put the ford in it for the winter.Ha, it's December!But of course it's my fault that there is soo much stuff to be cleaned out.Let me tell you what these things include. Crib, hello I weigh 96lbs, and I'm supposed to put it in the attic?Maternity clothes from garage sale, ok I need to bag them up but that takes two seconds and barely takes up any room!Garage items, such as lawnmower, grill and miscellaneous garden tools.Yeah right!I don't think he wants me to decide where to put these things.BEND OVER! Then there are the empty Christmas decoration boxes, and really do I have to do everything?Yes, apparently I do , because all of these things being in the way was my fault.
It has truly been a beat-the-mommy-up kind of week!None of my family seem to appreciate anything I do.I know.Such is the life of a mother, right?I have to say that at least my friends get that I don't just sit around and do nothing.Last night our cousin called me and asked what I was doing.I told her I was laying on the bed.She was at once concerned and surprised.I explained that I had just finished folding, ironing and putting away all the laundry.My back hurt!However it was obvious to me that she never expected me to be sitting down, much less laying down, during my day.No ,I usually don't, except for meals or with sick children.It was nice having someone realize this.My smallest is sassy and demanding.My first-born is dramatic and full of attitude.My oldest and biggest(hairiest too) child is oblivious, whiny and tyrannical.What is a poor domestic engineer to do?Gosh,I love them!!

Love and mommies rock, Hildi

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Somedays it's a hollow victory...

Okay okay okay...I know. I'm the worst sister ever for not blogging more frequently! But I swear I have been on the go non stop since Thanksgiving, which of course resulted in the total rebellion of my body...and I was sick as a dog yesterday. And there is sooo much news!

First off...crisis averted with Lulu...for now. We had a long talk Thanksgiving night. Peter admitted to her that he had in fact been drinking most of the week. His defense? Well he wasn't getting to see her so what did it matter? He just doesn't seem to get that it is one of their biggest problems. He's only 18 and he's already a drunk. He doesn't "see the harm in having one or two". Um...first're not even legal, and second...he's mean to her when he's drinking. So he wanted to call and talk to her. I asked her if she was leaning towards forgiving him and she said "probably". You'd be so proud...I didn't burst in to tears like I wanted to. I sat down across from her, took her hands, and calmly asked "why?". Why would you not respect yourself enough to want better? I understand that you love him, but you have to know that you can't love someone enough to fix the broken parts. They have to want to fix them themselves and he doesn't even see whats broken. He doesn't validate your feelings at all. It's only a problem if he thinks it is. And it's NOT going to get better. It's going to get worse. Way worse. If he trips out on you about ordering food from the wrong place or going to the grocery store w/out telling him first. What's he going to do if you make a mistake balancing the checkbook? Then I told her Bill's mom's story and his sister's stories. Then I left her alone for awhile. When I came back she was crying quietly and said..."you're right. I don't want to live like that. I love him though and I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him. And I don't think I can stay here in this area and do it." I told her we would get her out of here if that's what it took!!! And that I was incredibly proud of her and I would do whatever I could to help she only had to tell me what she needed.

So he called her late that night and she took the phone downstairs and I waited up for her. After an hour in which I frantically prayed to just about every god or goddess ever imagined she came back up. And let me tell you I was prepared for the worst...for her to say she gave in...but she didn't. She asked me to sleep with her and I held her little sob wracked body all night. It broke my heart. And I know that if it was that hard on was ten times worse for her. At one point she rolled over and said "promise me that I'm better off without him" and I did. And I truly truly believe it. And I think that she does too deep down. So it's been a rough couple of days off and on. I know she's still hurting inside and I also know that other then letting her know I'm here for her, there's not much I can do to make it hurt less.

He texts her several times a day still. He's threatened to end his life, told her he knows she's being forced to do this, that he'll love her forever, that she obviously never loved him. You know, the same old manipulative stuff as always. I know the "I'll love you forever, my life means nothing without you, you're the only good thing that ever happened to me" ones get to her. I can see it on her face. But she doesn't respond to them and so far she shows me every single one. She says she wants to make sure I know she's serious. Thankfully he's also still an idiot and also texts her stupid stuff about how drunk he's gotten. Which reinforces her choice. I'm still scared to death she'll give in and go back to him. God knows it's happened before. And alot of people are positive it will happen again. But I just let her know that I know she can do this.

I did tell her a few days later about our plan to not let her move out. She said that she would have been upset that we were taking her freedom from her. But she would've had understood. And that as move out time got closer, she was getting more and more scared and wasn't sure she could do it anyway. So she wouldn't have hated us. Whether it would have worked out or not, I don't know for sure. But I like to think I was making the right decision. (haha).

Irwin's visit was great! He was very good and we all enjoyed it...even with the tension over Lulu's situation. We got outside and took some really great family pics. I can't even remember the last time we got one with the whole family in it! We went golf carting, and for boat rides. Then we all took him to his house friday night and went out for pizza. We don't always get to do stuff the whole family because of work schedules and things so it was really great. Irwin didn't seem at all upset about going back to his group home. He seems very settled there. Don't get me wrong...he adores us (especially Lulu) and enjoys his visits home, but if he's with us too long the lack of his normal routine seems to upset him. So it was a good night.

Lulu and I have shopped til I dropped this weekend. Got a lot of bargains! Helped mom & dad out some with their shopping...thus insuring I get what I asked for!!! Lol. Spent alot of the weekend with Bill & his family since he had to return to Cali this week. Had a bunch of people over for dinner sunday night. Kind of a going away party for Bill. Mexican night!! Ate tons and played trivial pursuit. Good times for sure. Now I feel like I could sleep for a week. =]

Lulu spent alot of the weekend with Bill since his leave was up this week. That boy is entirely crazy about her. And his family loves her. They just swallow her up into them. He had a really hard time going back and leaving her. But he's pretty good about not pushing her. She says she has feelings for him that are more then friendly but she's still getting herself out of her last situation and she doesn't want to think long term right now. She wants to have some time to figure out who she is and what she wants. She wants to do some traveling, visit some friends, explore her independence. And that she couldn't ask him to wait for her or promise him anything right now. He told her he understood and that she didn't have to ask...because he'd been waiting for a while now...he'd just keep waiting til she was ready. I want her to have that independence she's looking for but I do hope someday she finds he's what she's looking for because that is one great guy.

Well now that you've read my novel!!! Haha. I'll go do my turn on the booknotes. Hope that prudence is feeling better today and that so is her mommy! Tummy flu is no fun for anyone!

hope, faith & love,