Monday, October 12, 2009

So about the Boogeyman...

Um, Hildi dear, it was your turn. Again. But because I'm a good sister, I'll pick up the slack. You owe me. And I think the count is up to like 9,673,214 and 1/2. No, I won't forget the 1/2.

Before I get to the Boogeyman (and we are going to get there), I have to point out that I'm totally unsure how Google decides which ads to place on your blog. Because I seriously understand the Halloween ones, but weddings? Not sure how that fits in. And dementia care? I'm beginning to wonder if they are insinuating...hmmm. And seriously, at the top of the page was an ad for a scarecrow sprinkler!!! Obviously, they didn't read my little rant about how scarecrows are evil and want to make you run people over and take over your soul. Because how could they ever begin to think that after I exposed scarecrows like that anyone would ever buy a freakin scarecrow sprinkler??! Are they daft?

But on to the Boogeyman. Yeah. We're going to have to add him to the list of "things Gert is irrationally afraid of". Big deal. It's such a long list, what's one more. I have always been afraid of the Boogeyman (notice how his name is capitalized? Yeah, it's because he's that bad!). Hated the dark place under the bed. No foot or hand ever hung over. And I have been known to leap a good three feet onto the bed in order to avoid his grasping hands. (But not in at least three months). Seriously, remember that movie Poltergeist? It came out when I was like 12 and Hildi was 5. She slept in my bed for months. Remember how that creepy clown doll (yes, also on the list...clowns) came out from under the bed?! Way to give a visual to my nightmares. And I still absolutely cannot sleep without the closet doors all firmly shut. Because that way the Boogeyman can't get you. Or at least you have warning when you hear the door open.

So they make a movie about the Boogeyman. And really, it was just okay. Not a big fan of it actually. But last night on TV...a sequel. Boogeyman 2. And of course I stayed up to watch it. And surprisingly, it was better then the original (how often does that happen?). I mean it wasn't in league with 30 Days of Night or The Exorcist or Rosemary's Baby. But it was watchable and had a few jumps.

But at one point, our heroine is trying to outwit the Boogeyman (as if!) and she's sneaking away from him between two rows of records. And I'm watching her tread quietly and duck and tiptoe and it suddenly occurs to me that I'm screwed. If I ever have to try to sneak away from the Boogeyman, I might as well give up. Because at some point during my "sneaking", at least one of my joints is going to pop loudly. And heaven help me if I have to duck, because my knees are going to do that disgusting creaking/grinding noise they make and give me away. So my best bet? Yep. Confrontation. I'm just going to go up to him and talk my way out of it...

Me: Alright, let's stop playing around here. We both know I can't sneak away from you. I can't outrun you. And I sure as hell can't overpower you I mean you have like super strength or whatever and you're invincible.

BM: Invisible?

Me: Um. No. Invincible. I can't kill you. Wait! Can I?

BM: Of course not. Don't you keep up. I'm the Boogeyman.

Me: Hmmm. Darn. There for a minute...well ok, nevermind. Go ahead.

BM: Go ahead and what?

Me: Kill me. Get it over with. C'mon. You're wasting darkness here.

BM: (completely taken aback) You're just going to give up?

Me: Yep. We've been through this. Nothing I can do. You win. I give up. Hah! Not so much fun is it, now? All the fun's in the chase, huh? Well too bad mister! You didn't really think terrorizing me through did you? Whoopee got the old chubby chick. That's not much for bragging rights. What are you gonna do when you're sitting around with your monster friends talking about tonight's kills, huh? They're gonna be all, last night I took down this 6'5" 350 pound football player. Made him scream like a schoolgirl. Put up a helluva fight, but I won in the end. Or last night I chased this six year old all around her house like we were playing hide and seek. Just like a cat playing with a mouse. She was a smart cookie, but I got her in the end. But you. Nope. What have you got? Well, I went to this chicks house and crept out of the closet and she gave up. Makes you look lame, dude. They're gonna laugh. What kind of self-respecting Boogeyman are you? Geez, go pick on somebody who's not half-crippled and on to you. Wuss.

BM: Shut your trap woman! I'm outta here. stalks angrily back into closet

Me: Don't you take that tone of voice with me mister! And no slamming doors! For the love of Pete! Where have all the good monsters gone?

Oh yeah...their sitting outside my neighbors house, waving at me!!!

happy nightmares,


  1. Hee hee .. you are a kook! I love it!

    I have some irrational fears myself ... fears I can't let my 6 year old know about ... since she's got a pile of her own .... things I can't let my 4 year old know about 'cause ... well ... she'd find a way to terrorize me with them. :)

  2. I am indeed a kook. Thanks for noticing. =]

    Also...I know right?! Having kids is so hard. Mine are old enough to laugh at me. Sad. And to delight in jumping out at me from around corners although one time I did totally punch one of Lulu's boyfriends for that. Hard. Haha. Scare me again jerkwad.

    Thanks for the comment.


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