I'm sorry for all the things I said to you...

Baby I am soooo sorry about the "deep dark secret" thing. Honest to goddess it was NOT a threat. I would never ever tell that one. I did not mean it as a threat, but a friend pointed out that it came across that way to her as well. And I sincerely apologize to your husband as well because I did not mean to lash out at him. I do know that you torture yourself with it. I was feeling extremely betrayed by the fact that you would speak to mom and dad about what I saw as our fight without even consulting me first. It was like you were running to get them on your side without even giving me a chance to present my issues.

Yes we both said some things that were less then nice. It's not something I usually do. I usually try to go with "if you can't say something nice, keep your mouth shut" adage. And as I did not mean what I said as a threat, maybe you didn't mean your blog as an attack. Unfortunately it came across that way to me. And no, I don't really see you that way. And I would hope that you don't really see me as a self centered rebellious bitch who lives to piss people off. =] Like I told dad today...sometimes it just makes me very sad that there seem to be so many people who know me better then my own family. I'm not blaming you guys for that and I'm not taking the entire blame either, it's just the way it's come to pass. It doesn't mean I don't love you guys more then almost anything it just seems sad to me.

As I said to dad also...I'm not jealous most of the time that they have a better relationship with you. You lived with them longer and had more of your personality formed before you left home so naturally they know you better. I left home young and had a lot of life changing experiences after I was gone that have forged my personality. And we've never really spent enough time together for them to get to know some aspects. This last trip with mom was sooo good in that respect. I felt like it really gave us an opportunity to interact as adults and for her to see me in a different light. It also gave my children a chance to see her in a different element and really get to make some "fun" memories. Like the hour we spent in the car searching for the invisible restaurant.

I hope that we get a chance to talk this out and I hope that we can put it behind us and use it as a chance to grow. I missed you so much this week. I had some drama with my daughter and you were the first phone call I almost made. You have been more help on that front then you can possibly realize...not that you have any experience raising teenagers but her personality is so much more like yours that you always help me understand how she might be feeling and what she might respond to. I can only hope you find me as much help when yours are older. We have worked hard to get where we are in our relationship and I would hate for that to all go to waste.

I should not have called your blog "whiny" either. The whole point of this was for us to express stresses, concerns and exchange advice. I should have said that sometimes we back ourselves into corners with our efforts to help others and then feel put upon. I do the same thing. Hence my cooking for 13 men last weekend. And if I remember correctly...I did call you and whine about it. Haha.

In short, I'm sorry for everything. You're right...we all did put you in the middle which I know is a tough place to be. And you have worked very hard to make up for past mistakes and repair relationships and I'm really proud of you. And grateful.

Love you Hildi.
Gert♥

GEEZ!

Gert,
We are not very good sisters right now, huh? There was some very mean things said over the last few days. I know I am not blameless, so I will say," I'm sorry!" I am sorry if you felt attacked in the first place and so chose to snap back. It should never have been about anything but vacation and an agreement to disagree, perhaps.
I don't like hurting people purposely or accidentally either. Especially not family. As you may have gathered, all of my family is very important to me. Part of that is because I was not a very good daughter, sister, or aunt when I was in my late-teens and early-twenties. These are"my" issues. Maybe I go overboard with trying to make things perfect and peaceful. I truly do feel sometimes that I'm put in the middle. Monday night I received phone calls from you and our parents telling me about the conversation you had. Both parties wanted me to agree with them.I did agree with mom and dad, but later saw your side of the situation. These are the times when I feel I am PUT there. Other than my plaintive blog, I usually don't mind. I am happy to help and feel helpful with my family. After all, I complain about parenthood occasionally. You know I wouldn't trade it for the world.
The only thing that really worries me is whether your last blog is the way you truly see me and my actions. I hope not. As I mentioned before, I have made a huge effort to achieve a positive outlook. Most of what I said is simply the way I look at life and my opinion. Dr.Phil, I'm not. By the way I like him. Not so much Oprah. If I give the impression I'm on a VERY high horse, it is just that I am fairly happy with my life and want others to be as well. It has taken me a long time to get here. Yes I still bitch about my marriage, and other aspects, but basically I'm happy. I feel I have a good, solid relationship with mom and dad. I know you don't always feel you do, so I have been trying to fix that as well. I won't anymore, because it seems I'm hurting you that way too.
I have to add that I was more hurt than I have been in a while when you mentioned my deep-dark-secret. It felt like a threat and the fact that my sister would go there was painful. I have said and done things in anger and hurt to people I love before, so I can't throw any stones. In the future I would appreciate it if you would forget I told you my secret. Know that it's something I punish myself for enough. Everyday. That is the one shot that hurt my husband as well.It is also not something I want to let ruin our new friendship or sisterhood. Let us agree that bitching at each other is always better in person. And try to move past this ugliness.


Hildi Von Beaverhausen, still here!

Lonely?

You live a rich fantasy life. Not only do you not know me, I don't think you really know yourself either. You surely see yourself differently then others do. But that's just my "opinion". I wrote you a blog where I told you my real "opinions" but I deleted it. I don't like to say things that people might forgive, but will be unable to forget.

I'm not going to pepper this with my own oh-so-wise life observations as you did. But I will look for you on Oprah because surely your the next Dr. Phil. You see yourself as go between, I see you as a meddler. Stick to your business. You calling mom & dad to tell them I was declining vacation so that I wouldn't have to talk to them was the biggest case of "tattle-tale"ing I've ever seen. Again grow up. I can handle my own battles and I never once implied I wasn't speaking to mom & dad. But don't worry...I won't retaliate. I'm still keeping your deep dark secret just that- a secret.

Here's my last piece of advice...you need to take a good look at your life and a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you don't like what you see then stop playing at life and make some changes. And if you feel "lonely" as your little whiny blog suggested, maybe it's because that high horse your riding is towering above all of us your busy looking down on.

Gert

Whoa!

Gert,
Slow down. Mudslinging and attacks? Again, why can't anyone express their OPINION without you turning it into a war or a political campaign? This is spinning out of control and I feel like you haven't let anything go! If we work this thing out? Rosy colored glasses? Tears on vacation?
First; I would like to say that I have no intention of apologizing. Honestly I don't even understand how my offer to talk to mom and dad about this is not good enough? That is where I thought we left this on Monday night.
Second; Do you honestly still operate under that big-sister assumption that I don't know what real life is? Then you must not know me at all either. My experiences are no less eye opening based on my age. I've done and seen things that you never will, and vice/versa. I have no glasses, rose colored or otherwise. I may look to the positive side of things and hope for the best, but that is something I've worked hard to achieve. I thought you agreed with me that negativity is a really annoying trait.
I guess that brings me to the tears on vacation. There's no crying on vacation! Why would there be. You told me you had let things go, so why would there be tears on the beach? I certainly didn't foresee any fighting to the point of tears. Of course we all wouldn't have agreed about everything, but no one ever does. Please stop viewing everyone as being against you or attacking.
And as for the grow up and little girl comments, Puh-lease! I may be small in stature but growing up is something that takes a lifetime to achieve. If you think your grown up now, then what will you think of yourself five or ten years down the road? We are constantly growing and learning. That, is how life is.

You were right earlier when you declined to continue this conversation. We are not getting anywhere and I think your anger is escalating. Obviously you see insults in me every sentence so I will stop now. Bottom line is, this is a bleak state of affairs and I feel saddened at what has been lost.

Grow up.

So you thought your last blog was you disagreeing with me? That's odd because I thought it was a personal attack and severe mudslinging. And lets get this straight...you do not know me at all. Partly my fault, partly yours. I thought we were finally getting closer too that's probably why that attack took me by complete suprise.

I have a truckload of nasty things I could say too but I have learned to fight more fairly then that. And the text where you implied I was being childish...really? Because I refuse to retaliate in like manner? Hmm...I don't think so.

Nothing about this is a slap at your precious mother and father. My life is not governed by seeking their approval or trying to punish them. I know that's probably hard for you to understand. Do I love them. Of course. But whether they like or dislike my actions isn't really important to me anymore. If I didn't want to go on vacation with you all I wouldn't have spent three entire days online searching for the perfect vacation condo. But I'm sure that was just for me, since everything I do is to please myself. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't feel the need to make up a bogus excuse...I'd come right out and say it. Compromise would be fine...I even suggested it in the blog if you want to reread it...instead of only focusing on the parts that suit you. But I'm going to tell you right now that you need to take off those rose colored glasses girl and look at things realistically. Mom & Dad rarely compromise. If Dad was hoping for a compromise he wouldn't have called me with his "dictator" voice and warned me from the start that this phone call was going to be "unpleasant". We're no brady bunch, and even if we do manage to get this together and go on vacation together...it's not going to be all sunshine and smiles. It's going to be stressful, messy and more then likely there will be a few tears. Because that's how real life is. But in the end it's usually worth it.

So when you want to converse without the stone throwing and personal attacks...let me know.

Gert

not bitching

Gert,
Case in point. You didn't like my opinion or my feelings, so now we're not even blogging anymore. There seems to be no room for disagreement with you. If you truly learned something I would hope it was that we can disagree and still find common ground.
While I know that not everything I said in my last blog was cheery, it was far from bitchy. I tried to see both sides and compromise. Heck, I even offered to be the one to take your side to mom and dad. I'm sorry if you didn't like my words, but I feel extremely let down by your decision to throw the whole idea away. I think your fooling yourself if you don't think it's a slap at our parents. Or is it that you just don't want to go with all of us anymore and have found the perfect excuse? Maybe I don't know you like I thought I did. That makes me sad, because I thought we were getting closer by the month. Finally moving past our own resentments and hard feelings.
I don't want that to change, but I don't know how to get past this when you just keep quitting things. {Vacation, Blogging} Truly a monster fit. I didn't mean you, when I made the reference to my husband not being the best and glass houses. That's why I put it in P.S. I was referring to my, less then stellar, performance in our early years together. Meaning that I have let him down before. I know you like him and ultimately he loves my family. He doesn't know how to handle it when I cry because I rarely do. Also, you have to admit that we are a very dysfunctional lot! At least in the last few days.

Hildregard Von Beverhausen, signing out.

Learning new things everyday...

Talk about tantrums. Wow. I'm so suprised. I honestly thought you knew me. Guess I was wrong.

You're entitled to your opinion. And I'm not going to stoop to bitching you out about it. So I guess this blogging thing is at an end.

And by the way...I don't believe I disrespected your husband at all in that last blog. It's funny because I'm usually his biggest defender.

Gert