Saturday, June 13, 2009

I'm sorry for all the things I said to you...

Baby I am soooo sorry about the "deep dark secret" thing. Honest to goddess it was NOT a threat. I would never ever tell that one. I did not mean it as a threat, but a friend pointed out that it came across that way to her as well. And I sincerely apologize to your husband as well because I did not mean to lash out at him. I do know that you torture yourself with it. I was feeling extremely betrayed by the fact that you would speak to mom and dad about what I saw as our fight without even consulting me first. It was like you were running to get them on your side without even giving me a chance to present my issues.

Yes we both said some things that were less then nice. It's not something I usually do. I usually try to go with "if you can't say something nice, keep your mouth shut" adage. And as I did not mean what I said as a threat, maybe you didn't mean your blog as an attack. Unfortunately it came across that way to me. And no, I don't really see you that way. And I would hope that you don't really see me as a self centered rebellious bitch who lives to piss people off. =] Like I told dad today...sometimes it just makes me very sad that there seem to be so many people who know me better then my own family. I'm not blaming you guys for that and I'm not taking the entire blame either, it's just the way it's come to pass. It doesn't mean I don't love you guys more then almost anything it just seems sad to me.

As I said to dad also...I'm not jealous most of the time that they have a better relationship with you. You lived with them longer and had more of your personality formed before you left home so naturally they know you better. I left home young and had a lot of life changing experiences after I was gone that have forged my personality. And we've never really spent enough time together for them to get to know some aspects. This last trip with mom was sooo good in that respect. I felt like it really gave us an opportunity to interact as adults and for her to see me in a different light. It also gave my children a chance to see her in a different element and really get to make some "fun" memories. Like the hour we spent in the car searching for the invisible restaurant.

I hope that we get a chance to talk this out and I hope that we can put it behind us and use it as a chance to grow. I missed you so much this week. I had some drama with my daughter and you were the first phone call I almost made. You have been more help on that front then you can possibly realize...not that you have any experience raising teenagers but her personality is so much more like yours that you always help me understand how she might be feeling and what she might respond to. I can only hope you find me as much help when yours are older. We have worked hard to get where we are in our relationship and I would hate for that to all go to waste.

I should not have called your blog "whiny" either. The whole point of this was for us to express stresses, concerns and exchange advice. I should have said that sometimes we back ourselves into corners with our efforts to help others and then feel put upon. I do the same thing. Hence my cooking for 13 men last weekend. And if I remember correctly...I did call you and whine about it. Haha.

In short, I'm sorry for everything. You're right...we all did put you in the middle which I know is a tough place to be. And you have worked very hard to make up for past mistakes and repair relationships and I'm really proud of you. And grateful.

Love you Hildi.

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