Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Thank you for that. I truly don't think people put me in the middle on purpose for the most part. Today it seems to have overflowed from my neat little container, to drown me in it's flood. The final straw was my husband ranting at me about my family.
Of course my family isn't perfect. Who's is? We all have hidden pain and anger from our childhood. Feelings of inadequacy, that stem from past relationships. The fact that he has no tolerance or compassion, for me or my family makes me sick. The one person who is supposed to have my back is always in my face. He has never been my shoulder to cry on. His answers are direct and hurtful.
I shared grandma's situation with him and even told him of her fear of falling asleep. His response was to tell me about his grandpa and walk away. There is no room in our relationship for my feelings, concerns or family. He doesn't view visiting as something for me. He views it as a hard time for him. I don't know why I take his feelings into consideration when I schedule things. Maybe I just want it to be a certain way and can't see past that. My marriage is becoming a storm cloud, that rains on me more and more every time I get my hopes up. I can see the lightning and hear the thunder. I have no umbrella and I'm so afraid I'm going to wash away.
What is between you and our parents isn't any of my business. Except that it always seems to hinge on what I think or have to say. Obviously this is about more than a vacation, and who is invited. I once told mom that she either had to let her anger at dad go or quit the relationship. All it does is poison future feelings and memories. If she let it go and communicated with him going forward, then there might be a chance for a new beginning. If your going to stay angry at them for past transgressions then I don't think there is a fix.
I realize I don't have the same hurts you do, but some are similar. Some are not. I don't recall mom ever using you for a punching bag. I know she's called us both some very hurtful names. She has failed us in more ways than one. She is also a sixty-one year-old woman. I think her failures play a big part of her bitterness. I have chosen to let my past with them go. There were good times as well as bad, but in the long run it doesn't matter. Where you all go from today matters. They are our parents and like you said we can't choose our family. We can choose to make the best of it until it's over. Unfortunately, it's over to soon sometimes.

I love you too.

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