Jobs...

Hildi,

Honey, anger and hard feelings have been a part of my relationship with mom & dad since I was born. Lol. It has nothing to do with my marriage, although in retrospect it was probably my first open act of defiance. All other rebellions were kept on the sly...mostly because of my inordinate fear of dissapointing them. The relationship has always been skewed and really it would be ridiculous to discuss it or try to appoint blame because that doesn't get anyone anywhere. I do apologize that you feel you're in the middle. You're not. My relationship with you is a completely seperate thing from my relationship with them. Except when it involves bitching about them or discussing our worries about them. I'm not ever asking you to mediate or be a go between. This is not your job. In fact it's better if you stay completely removed from our disagreements. That way you don't jeopardize your relationship with either party.

Your only job really is being a mother. You have to do what's best for your immediate family and stop worrying about everyone else. They matter most!!! It took me a long time (and some serious therapy) to finally figure that out. You can't smooth things over and make everyone happy all the time...you'll only stress yourself out trying. So concentrate on those who matter most...your husband and your girls.

And yes dear...we all feel lonely at certain times. So cultivate your female friendships...seriously they are the ones who get you through. Even if they can't offer a solution they can help you feel less alone. You can bitch about everything to them. And sometimes it's just the getting it out that helps. You can't pick your family, but you do pick your friends.

Right now I'm upset about alot of things. There are many many times I've let things go and bit my lip. I do not like to be hurtful...either purposefully or accidentally so I don't always say what I'm thinking or feeling. Unfortunately I find I've bottled up a buttload of hurt feelings and dissapointment. Yes, dissapointment. Ironic, isn't it? I spent so much of my life being afraid of and feeling like I dissapointed mom & dad that it was a shock to realize that I was dissapointed in them. All those feelings are beginning to leak out around the edges. So probably...things are coming to a head. And it will probably get nasty, not by my choice, but we both know that some people have no problems saying hurtful things and in retaliation I do sometimes lash back. I sincerely apologize for any overflow that comes your way.

I love you.

Gert♥