Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Somedays it's a hollow victory...

Okay okay okay...I know. I'm the worst sister ever for not blogging more frequently! But I swear I have been on the go non stop since Thanksgiving, which of course resulted in the total rebellion of my body...and I was sick as a dog yesterday. And there is sooo much news!

First off...crisis averted with Lulu...for now. We had a long talk Thanksgiving night. Peter admitted to her that he had in fact been drinking most of the week. His defense? Well he wasn't getting to see her so what did it matter? He just doesn't seem to get that it is one of their biggest problems. He's only 18 and he's already a drunk. He doesn't "see the harm in having one or two". Um...first're not even legal, and second...he's mean to her when he's drinking. So he wanted to call and talk to her. I asked her if she was leaning towards forgiving him and she said "probably". You'd be so proud...I didn't burst in to tears like I wanted to. I sat down across from her, took her hands, and calmly asked "why?". Why would you not respect yourself enough to want better? I understand that you love him, but you have to know that you can't love someone enough to fix the broken parts. They have to want to fix them themselves and he doesn't even see whats broken. He doesn't validate your feelings at all. It's only a problem if he thinks it is. And it's NOT going to get better. It's going to get worse. Way worse. If he trips out on you about ordering food from the wrong place or going to the grocery store w/out telling him first. What's he going to do if you make a mistake balancing the checkbook? Then I told her Bill's mom's story and his sister's stories. Then I left her alone for awhile. When I came back she was crying quietly and said..."you're right. I don't want to live like that. I love him though and I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him. And I don't think I can stay here in this area and do it." I told her we would get her out of here if that's what it took!!! And that I was incredibly proud of her and I would do whatever I could to help she only had to tell me what she needed.

So he called her late that night and she took the phone downstairs and I waited up for her. After an hour in which I frantically prayed to just about every god or goddess ever imagined she came back up. And let me tell you I was prepared for the worst...for her to say she gave in...but she didn't. She asked me to sleep with her and I held her little sob wracked body all night. It broke my heart. And I know that if it was that hard on was ten times worse for her. At one point she rolled over and said "promise me that I'm better off without him" and I did. And I truly truly believe it. And I think that she does too deep down. So it's been a rough couple of days off and on. I know she's still hurting inside and I also know that other then letting her know I'm here for her, there's not much I can do to make it hurt less.

He texts her several times a day still. He's threatened to end his life, told her he knows she's being forced to do this, that he'll love her forever, that she obviously never loved him. You know, the same old manipulative stuff as always. I know the "I'll love you forever, my life means nothing without you, you're the only good thing that ever happened to me" ones get to her. I can see it on her face. But she doesn't respond to them and so far she shows me every single one. She says she wants to make sure I know she's serious. Thankfully he's also still an idiot and also texts her stupid stuff about how drunk he's gotten. Which reinforces her choice. I'm still scared to death she'll give in and go back to him. God knows it's happened before. And alot of people are positive it will happen again. But I just let her know that I know she can do this.

I did tell her a few days later about our plan to not let her move out. She said that she would have been upset that we were taking her freedom from her. But she would've had understood. And that as move out time got closer, she was getting more and more scared and wasn't sure she could do it anyway. So she wouldn't have hated us. Whether it would have worked out or not, I don't know for sure. But I like to think I was making the right decision. (haha).

Irwin's visit was great! He was very good and we all enjoyed it...even with the tension over Lulu's situation. We got outside and took some really great family pics. I can't even remember the last time we got one with the whole family in it! We went golf carting, and for boat rides. Then we all took him to his house friday night and went out for pizza. We don't always get to do stuff the whole family because of work schedules and things so it was really great. Irwin didn't seem at all upset about going back to his group home. He seems very settled there. Don't get me wrong...he adores us (especially Lulu) and enjoys his visits home, but if he's with us too long the lack of his normal routine seems to upset him. So it was a good night.

Lulu and I have shopped til I dropped this weekend. Got a lot of bargains! Helped mom & dad out some with their shopping...thus insuring I get what I asked for!!! Lol. Spent alot of the weekend with Bill & his family since he had to return to Cali this week. Had a bunch of people over for dinner sunday night. Kind of a going away party for Bill. Mexican night!! Ate tons and played trivial pursuit. Good times for sure. Now I feel like I could sleep for a week. =]

Lulu spent alot of the weekend with Bill since his leave was up this week. That boy is entirely crazy about her. And his family loves her. They just swallow her up into them. He had a really hard time going back and leaving her. But he's pretty good about not pushing her. She says she has feelings for him that are more then friendly but she's still getting herself out of her last situation and she doesn't want to think long term right now. She wants to have some time to figure out who she is and what she wants. She wants to do some traveling, visit some friends, explore her independence. And that she couldn't ask him to wait for her or promise him anything right now. He told her he understood and that she didn't have to ask...because he'd been waiting for a while now...he'd just keep waiting til she was ready. I want her to have that independence she's looking for but I do hope someday she finds he's what she's looking for because that is one great guy.

Well now that you've read my novel!!! Haha. I'll go do my turn on the booknotes. Hope that prudence is feeling better today and that so is her mommy! Tummy flu is no fun for anyone!

hope, faith & love,


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